I feel a need to write today. I guess it's due to the mood I am in, although I feel a need to write every day.. LOL
I'm broody... I guess the better word is I feel resigned. Most people in recovery would say, and I would agree, that I am Restless, Irritable and Discontent.
What is my basic trouble?
I've been reflecting a lot in the past several weeks, especially this past week. August 5th was my Al-Anon birthday or anniversary as some like to call it. In my groups we call them Birthdays because from the time you enter program you are reborn.
This year I turned 6.
Hmm, 6 year old's are fun and have started to get some control over their emotions. They are able to be a bit more cooperative where the rules are concerned and are learning how to forge relationships.. (just my opinion and observations of my own kids). Either way being 6 is usually pretty great for most kids. So, what's my deal? I don't feel like I'm having fun yet and I don't feel like life is great.
The other comparison we have for birthday age is looking at which step your year corresponds to. Mine is Step 6: Were in entirely ready to have God remove all of these defects of character.
Uh. Oh. My list of character defects is LONG!
My biggest defects are Selfishness and Expectations
Those two have reared there ugly heads this year more times than I can even count. I can say with definite seriousness that I am not entirely ready for God to remove them either.
This year has been the hardest in my recovery. And I can openly admit it's been my own fault.
Lately when it's quiet my thoughts drift to my actions, my choices and then to my wants. I am selfish... self-centered. I want what I want when I want it... and at times I don't really care who I hurt.
People who are honest with themselves and can truly look at their behavior will get this. They will understand it.
Everyone else? Yeah, they will sneer at me, look down their noses and judge.
But that's okay. I'm good with that. Sneer 'till your heart is content. You'd look away if I weren't so damn entertaining to watch. LOL
So back to my point.. I've been broody and frustrated. Sometimes I am so aware of my wants and therefore faults its overwhelming.
Life, work, kids, husband, program, family... The list goes on.. I'm just overwhelmed.
In regards to my selfishness... I have this nagging thought in my head that won't go away.
I don't want to stand in line behind anyone else. There are a few exceptions to this, but truly I want to be the first in line. I want to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that your focus is on me.. and ONLY on me. I want to know and feel that I matter.
See? Ha.. very selfish.
Here is how it goes: When I have an expectation and you don't live up to it.. Which, BTW is usually the case because people are human and they have their own stuff going on, I get upset. I get either angry or hurt. Usually both. It makes me want to lash out or it makes me want to retreat into myself. Build walls around myself so I cant be hurt. Unfortunately God has removed that particular character defect (the building walls one) And I can no longer do that. I've tried.. IT DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE, and that is very frustrating.
So what is my solution?
There is always a solution. I have choices. Some of them are not healthy choices, as I mentioned, and some a very healthy. Why do the unhealthy ones seem so appealing? Well, because they are easier. The softer, easier way is always more appealing.
So I sit and brood.. I am melancholy, I am busy with work, life, family.. etc... as I stumble, trip and fall.
I'm in the hallway and off the beam. Still!
Damn that balance beam called recovery. I keep slipping off and yet... I am the one who keeps greasing my hands and feet.. LOL
Well, at least I can laugh at myself.. those of you out there who can identify.. I know you are laughing too.. Not at me, but with me.
One of these days I'll get it right. I'll be able to have acceptance and love and tolerance and be okay inside my own skin.. no matter what is happening around me.
Take care and thanks for listening.