Reconstruction

Hello everyone.

Last night I celebrated my 6th year in Al-anon. My actual Al-anon birthday is 08/05/2004, but in my home group meeting we celebrate birthdays the 4th Thursday of the month.

We call it a birthday rather than an anniversary because when we enter recovery it's kind of like being reborn.

I was reluctant to celebrate and take my chip last night. This year has been quite difficult. As I've shared in many of the posts before this one, I've been off the beam this year. I've struggled with my recovery. I've struggled with praying. I've been disconnected from the things that have kept me sane in the past.
I didn't want to get up and share last night. I didn't want to talk about my year. I didn't want to reflect, one more time, on this past year. It has been riddled with misery, tears and loneliness. This is not to say that there haven't been good things. There have been. Many good things in fact. Some things I wouldn't change...ever.

In my line of sponsorship, it's tradition that when you celebrate your birthday, your sponsor stands up for you and introduces you. Also, he/she will have picked a word or a phrase that represents or sums up your past year. The word my sponsor chose for me this year was "reconstruction".

Recovery is tedious and sometimes it's downright painful. Since May I've begun this process of reconstruction with my sponsor. We've begun working steps again and she's had me doing many things on a daily basis to get myself back on the beam.
I still struggle and I am still full of self will. I took my chip last night and I shared about my year. I shared about my marriage and the state it is in, I shared about my mother and how long she was here.She came and stayed for 4 months with me. It was extremely stressful. I also shared about losing our cousin Jacob to drug addiction. That was the hardest part. I tried to not to sound negative. There were probably six or more newcomers in the room. I didn't want them to think that life sucks once you get into recovery, because it doesn't. But, we are the makers of our own misery. I am the maker of my own misery.

I did the best I could last night and I came away from that meeting feeling empty inside. I have eleven women that I sponsor and there are days that, I swear, they are the only reasons I stay in recovery. Thank God I have them. Otherwise, I would be long gone.

I came home and felt that knot in my stomach. I felt alone.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up at 6am in more misery; the ache in my chest that I cannot stand. Shortly after I got up I received a text from a woman I know in recovery. She asked me if I would come and tell my story at one of the local rehabs. It's family night and she needed an Al-anon speaker. I said yes, because I've been taught that we never say no. We don't say no because this program is given to us for free and it saves our lives. When asked to give back to help others, we do it.

I went tonight to share my story. The story of my life growing up in this disease, and my story of recovery. I was pleased to see that the room was filled with the men and women enrolled in the rehab as well as their families. BONUS! I love alcoholics and addicts. They are my favorite people in the world, so it was a privilege to be able to share in front of them.

We tell our story in a general way: what happened, what it was like, and what it's like today.

I ran out of time (my story is long), but I did get to share a little bit about Jacob. What I didn't have much time to share about was the misery of this past year. I mentioned it, but only briefly because I was out of time at that point. Honestly, I believe this was a good thing.

I needed to remember why I was in program. I needed to talk about how important program is for me. How it saved my life.

I was also able to tell my truth. My truth is that I am filled with self will. I am selfish to the core and I am broken.

But I also got to share that I am human. When I am in pain or I am obsessing over what I want and how I want things to be, I forget that. I also forget that there are people in my life for a reason. Good or bad, they are there for a reason.
It also reminded me to remember to just love people, especially the people that make me the craziest. It reminded me to take a deep breath, love people, and trust God.

God has a plan for me. He has one for all of us. I just can't see around the corners and I forget to trust that.

I'm grateful today for everything that happens in my life. The good, the bad, and the painful. I am grateful for my mistakes and my defects of character. I am grateful because I know that I can recover. I can get better.

Love and peace.
Wookies Girl

Awareness

Hello friends,

I feel a need to write today. I guess it's due to the mood I am in, although I feel a need to write every day.. LOL

I'm broody... I guess the better word is I feel resigned. Most people in recovery would say, and I would agree, that I am Restless, Irritable and Discontent.

Hmm..
What is my basic trouble?

I've been reflecting a lot in the past several weeks, especially this past week. August 5th was my Al-Anon birthday or anniversary as some like to call it. In my groups we call them Birthdays because from the time you enter program you are reborn.

This year I turned 6.
Hmm, 6 year old's are fun and have started to get some control over their emotions. They are able to be a bit more cooperative where the rules are concerned and are learning how to forge relationships.. (just my opinion and observations of my own kids). Either way being 6 is usually pretty great for most kids. So, what's my deal? I don't feel like I'm having fun yet and I don't feel like life is great.

The other comparison we have for birthday age is looking at which step your year corresponds to. Mine is Step 6: Were in entirely ready to have God remove all of these defects of character.

Uh. Oh. My list of character defects is LONG!
My biggest defects are Selfishness and Expectations
Those two have reared there ugly heads this year more times than I can even count. I can say with definite seriousness that I am not entirely ready for God to remove them either.

This year has been the hardest in my recovery. And I can openly admit it's been my own fault.

Lately when it's quiet my thoughts drift to my actions, my choices and then to my wants. I am selfish... self-centered. I want what I want when I want it... and at times I don't really care who I hurt.
People who are honest with themselves and can truly look at their behavior will get this. They will understand it.

Everyone else? Yeah, they will sneer at me, look down their noses and judge.
But that's okay. I'm good with that. Sneer 'till your heart is content. You'd look away if I weren't so damn entertaining to watch. LOL

So back to my point.. I've been broody and frustrated. Sometimes I am so aware of my wants and therefore faults its overwhelming.
I'm overwhelmed.

Life, work, kids, husband, program, family... The list goes on.. I'm just overwhelmed.

In regards to my selfishness... I have this nagging thought in my head that won't go away.

I don't want to stand in line behind anyone else. There are a few exceptions to this, but truly I want to be the first in line. I want to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that your focus is on me.. and ONLY on me. I want to know and feel that I matter.

See? Ha.. very selfish.

Here is how it goes: When I have an expectation and you don't live up to it.. Which, BTW is usually the case because people are human and they have their own stuff going on, I get upset. I get either angry or hurt. Usually both. It makes me want to lash out or it makes me want to retreat into myself. Build walls around myself so I cant be hurt. Unfortunately God has removed that particular character defect (the building walls one) And I can no longer do that. I've tried.. IT DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE, and that is very frustrating.

So what is my solution?
There is always a solution. I have choices. Some of them are not healthy choices, as I mentioned, and some a very healthy. Why do the unhealthy ones seem so appealing? Well, because they are easier. The softer, easier way is always more appealing.

So I sit and brood.. I am melancholy, I am busy with work, life, family.. etc... as I stumble, trip and fall.
I'm in the hallway and off the beam. Still!
Damn that balance beam called recovery. I keep slipping off and yet... I am the one who keeps greasing my hands and feet.. LOL

Well, at least I can laugh at myself.. those of you out there who can identify.. I know you are laughing too.. Not at me, but with me.

One of these days I'll get it right. I'll be able to have acceptance and love and tolerance and be okay inside my own skin.. no matter what is happening around me.

Take care and thanks for listening.

Wookies Girl