Where am I? What the hell am I doing?
I seem to have fallen off the beam... AGAIN!
There is a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach that wont go away.
I am restless, irritable and discontent.
I cant stand to be inside my own skin.
I am standing on the outside of a window looking in. I can see everyone inside.
They all seem happy. Why can I not be?
I feel my old familiar friend disappointment.
He is thick in my veins. Drowning my thoughts and clouding my vision.
I am such a great for-getter, but what I forget for a while always returns..
I am reminded one more time
When someone else is my problem, my problem is me.
Damn it... It ALWAYS comes back to me.
It was so much easier when I could just blame it on you...When I believed it was all your fault.
So much easier when I could just say "FUCK YOU" Look what you did to me?
Look how you hurt me? Turn my back, walk away.
But that doesn't work, it never has...It only further isolates me.
Here I am. Sitting in my shit!
I am not ready to climb out of it yet. Its still warm and familiar.
I think I will stay a bit longer.
At least until my fingers get pruney.
Soon enough the willingness will return.
I will stand up, take a shower, get back on the beam and begin again.