Confusion and Contempt

I recognize nothing around me.

My head is spinning, lost in a sea of despair.
I don't understand and communication is no where to be found.

One more time I am left wondering.
One more time left confused.

Life doesn't have to be this hard does it?

Stumble...

Trip...

Fall...

....On my ass once again!

Expectation and disappointment surround me, a rejected child.
Cast aside, I don't fit in.

Contempt prior to investigation is my crime.
Anger is my friend, conflict is a fear I have yet to face.

I am different from you...Will I ever be considered the same?

Huh?

Where am I? What the hell am I doing?
I seem to have fallen off the beam... AGAIN!

There is a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach that wont go away.
I am restless, irritable and discontent.
I cant stand to be inside my own skin.

I am standing on the outside of a window looking in. I can see everyone inside.
They all seem happy. Why can I not be?

I feel my old familiar friend disappointment.
He is thick in my veins. Drowning my thoughts and clouding my vision.

I am such a great for-getter, but what I forget for a while always returns..
I am reminded one more time
When someone else is my problem, my problem is me.

Damn it... It ALWAYS comes back to me.

It was so much easier when I could just blame it on you...When I believed it was all your fault.
So much easier when I could just say "FUCK YOU" Look what you did to me?
Look how you hurt me? Turn my back, walk away.

But that doesn't work, it never has...It only further isolates me.

Here I am. Sitting in my shit!
I am not ready to climb out of it yet. Its still warm and familiar.
I think I will stay a bit longer.
At least until my fingers get pruney.

Soon enough the willingness will return.
I will stand up, take a shower, get back on the beam and begin again.

My God Sized Hole.

Darkness and emptiness overwhelm me.

I cant stand this feeling. Being inside my own skin is hell.
I am empty.
I cannot breathe.

I love you and hate you at the same time.
I hate myself always.
I despise what I have become.
You give me nothing and everything and it is never enough.

I am left with feelings of doubt and self loathing.
Alone in my mind wondering what I did wrong.
How can I make it better? How can I make you love me more.

You wont give me an inch for fear that I will take a mile.
You are right, I will take a mile.
I will take everything you are.
I will bleed you dry and it will never be enough.
You can never be enough.

My insides are empty.
I have no idea who I am or what I want to be.

Are you the next victim?
Will you be the one that is enough to make me feel OK in my own skin?

The ones that have come before you have all fallen short.

Are you willing to risk everything that you are; to be bled dry in hopes that you are enough?
Will you try and fill up my God sized hole; the hole that resides where my heart used to be?

Are you my new God?