This Past Weekend

This past weekend I attended a retreat for teens in a mountain camp just outside of Prescott, Arizona. Although it was 12 step recovery based, it wasn’t like any of the other retreats I’ve been to over the last seven years of my recovery. It was more. It was just... better.

My son had attended this retreat four years in a row and, because he needed to have his space from me and be free to have his own experience without me hovering, I had never attended. That was okay, as I am not the kind of mom that needs to be into every single thing he does. He no longer attends, so now it was my turn.

I drove up the hill into the mountains with seventeen teenagers in tow. Five of them were in my truck and my partner in crime and best friend, drove a van filled with the other twelve, plus one more adult. After an enormous amount of finagling to pack the vehicles, which included thirty cases of water, we finally got on the road. Jammed in like sardines.

I’ve been involved with supporting the teens for a number of years now, and it’s had its fair share of ups and downs, for sure. I was a bit reluctant and really didn’t know what this weekend had in store for me.

What I want to tell you about is the amazing blessings I received this weekend. These kids have all been affected by the family disease of alcoholism. Many of them are still living in active alcoholism or drug addiction and some of them have had the blessing of recovery enter their homes. A few have been removed from their homes and no longer live with their parents. And, some have even lost their parents to the bowels of this disease: Overdose, resulting in death. I’ve not lost a parent to this disease, but I have lost two close family members, as well as friends, and I know what this kind of pain feels like.

I listened to them share in the workshops that were held. I listened to them talk of the blessings in their life and how this very retreat keeps them going, on a daily basis, throughout the year. They live for it. For some, it’s the only brightness in their life and the only place they feel they receive unconditional love and acceptance.

I watched them laugh with each other, listened to them curse like sailors, and I also watched them care for each other with such a remarkable amount of unconditional love that I was moved to tears.

Many of these children, and yes, I’ll call them children, lost their innocence long ago. They’ve been witness to things no child (or adult) should ever have to see, and they have survived it. Some of them still struggle, which is to be expected, but they are fighters. Growing up as they do, as I did, hardens you. It leaves scars that take years to heal. They want to grow and overcome the things that they’ve had to experience and they want to learn how to give love and accept love…unconditionally.

These retreats offer them a safe place, where they can be themselves. Where they can cry or laugh or be silent and maybe feel some peace. Miracles happened this past weekend. I watched them, I felt them. Some of these kids experienced some healing and I watched some of them, that haven’t healed yet, wrap themselves up inside our warm circle of love, comfort, and friendship.

In total, there were forty two teens in attendance, ranging from ages twelve to nineteen. There were also a handful of adults that attend every year. Some of those adults came to this retreat when they were teens themselves. They come back now because of the gifts that they were given as kids, they come to offer that gift to the newest generation.

Many of the kids and the adults I saw on this retreat know my son. They told me how wonderful he is. How they miss him. I think, next year, I’ll be dragging him up the hill with me. At twenty, he’ll be one of the adults that attended this retreat as a kid, and he’ll be able to give back, too.

I met some young ladies that I had the honor of bonding with. I got to sit and laugh with them and talk about our similarities and differences and maybe, just maybe, I was able to be an example for them. It was an opportunity for me to stand in the gap for some of them, be a friend or a mother figure that loves them unconditionally. Accepts them as they are.

Among the many tears and emotions, there was also a ton of laughter. My best friend and I got to be a part of that too. We didn’t have to, we got to. We got to forget, for just a couple of days, about the serious lives we lead; the jobs and bills, all those things that accompany being an adult. We got to joke around and act like kids ourselves. I needed that.

Although I didn’t get to know all of the kids, the ones I did get to know have left their mark on my heart.
My best friend and I even found a couple of teen girls who seemed as if they were clones of the two of us. We had an absolute blast goofing off with them.

During the long drive up the hill, I sat next to a young lady who is a dancer, a singer and a writer. Wow! We sang together, we talked about dance, and then we talked about writing. What a gift I received. God put that girl next to me in my truck. I could never have planned that.

I cannot express how absolutely profound this weekend was for me. I cannot begin to even explain the amount of gratitude I felt as I drove those same five kids down the hill back to town.

I can’t wait to see what the future holds for these kids. Without a doubt I will be back next year. I can’t wait to see them all again and see how they’ve changed.
I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

I offer a big Thank You, to each and every teen that I met this weekend. You are a bright light for me. Equal thanks goes to all the adults, who give of themselves so freely every year, for making sure this retreat continues to happen for these kids. You are an example of recovery and unconditional love. There are simply not enough of you.

I’m blessed and my cup runneth over.

Much love,
Wookiesgirl

P.S. If you know me personally, and wish to comment, please refrain from using my name. I prefer to keep my blogs anonymous.
Thanks. *hugs*

The Definition of Me

I’ve had this idea poking at me for a while now. I’ve wanted to write a blog post in which I could define me for you. Not an easy task, since I am still figuring out exactly who I am. 

Do any of us truly know who you are? It’s something I wonder about. Do you really know yourself and can you be honest enough to bare your belly and show all?

I work a 12 step program, (Al-Anon) and one of the principles of this (and any 12 step program) is honesty. Honesty with others, but more importantly, honesty with ourselves. I work with a great number of women in my program and one thing I tell them constantly is:  Know and own your truth. Know who you are and why you do what you do. They love me and hate me for it.

I’ve learned to be honest with myself about a great many things. I’ve had to look deep inside and review my motives, my thoughts, and my actions. I’ve had to be willing to cut away the parts concerning everyone else and only look at my own actions. Not easy. Today, I have a pretty good understanding of what makes me tick. Why I do the things I do, think the things I think, and why I get hurt so easily. None of this stops me from being hurt, though. It’s a problem that seems to plague me.

Recently I was doing some research on my birth sign. I’m a Cancer. The Crab: Hard on the outside and extremely soft on the inside. I learned some very interesting things that I already suspected about myself. More insight. Yay!

Did you know that Cancers are the most emotional sign of all of the Sun Signs? I didn’t know that.  Did you know they are the mothering ones too?  And that they can be quite moody? Everything I read was spot on for me in the most eerie of ways. Things I knew about me already, but defined so clearly in print. Now, I realize that this astrology stuff is subjective right? I mean, you can take anything you read like that and twist it to fit your own life or situation. In my case, I tried to be objective and at every turn was slapped in the face by another clear definition of myself.

My father once told me, “You get too attached. You have always been that way, even as a child.” I’ve written about that before. It seems that every time I turn around I’ve gotten myself into another situation where I get hurt.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. Hell, who am I kidding? Truth is, I wear my heart all over my entire body. It’s there for all to see and touch. Available for you to appreciate or to harm. Choose your poison.

I give my all to my friends, even when it’s not asked for. I love too much, give too much, expect too much and leave myself open to be hurt. Not everyone wants or needs my brand of love. Not everyone has it in them to give back to me what I find so easy to give to them.

That’s okay, you know? I accept that, and in most cases I expect it. Though, there are a select few that I let inside my soul that are dangerous. For example, people that are emotionally unavailable. Those are the people that I tend to gravitate toward the most. Only God knows why.

I call it my broken picker. I pick broken people and fall madly in love with them. I cherish them. This goes for friends and romantic relationships. And I get hurt. I suppose I see something in them that others don’t. Maybe I think I can be that soft place they’ve never had before. It’s not completely clear why, and the reasons vary. One thing is for sure, if I see something inside you, then I dive head first into that friendship or relationship and I give and give and give until there is nothing left of me. When there is not equal reciprocation of my loyalty, affection, and attention, then I am hurt. I am let down. I am disappointed. Have I not just set myself up for this hurt? If I am honest, then yes, I absolutely have.

I take full responsibility for the fact that I do this to myself regularly. I seem to need to learn this lesson over and over again. Here’s the deal: I don’t give to people expecting a return on an investment. I truly do not. But if I dig, and if I am honest with myself, then there is always a bottom line motive behind my love and affection. I’m looking for that love and affection, appreciation or loyalty, to be given back. It’s almost entirely impossible to give to someone without some sort of self-will involved. All roads lead back to self, in my opinion. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about this.

“Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”

What does that mean? It means I keep going to the hardware store for bread. Does the hardware store sell bread? No, of course not. So why would I go there to buy bread? Basically, I keep going to the wrong people to make me feel better inside. To shower me with the same love and affection I give to them and to give me the same undying loyalty I show them. What happens is I end up with a broken heart, and that’s never pretty. Then I retaliate, or lash out, or worse, retreat into my hard Cancer shell where I am safe and can lick my wounds in private. When I retaliate, it usually isn’t received well and people get pissed off. Pull back from me and no longer want to be my friend, aka hostage. Because believe me, it can sometimes feel like that to them.

Basically, I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt me, seemingly without provocation, but I invariably find that at some time in the past, I have made decisions based on self, which later placed me in a position to be hurt. The other clincher in this is that no one person or persons can do this for me. People are human and are usually walking through their own stuff in life. They cannot be all things to someone. That’s just not possible. I know this, I understand it, yet it makes no difference at times when I seem to have forgotten that my brand of love and affection can, and has, driven people to want to retaliate, and then run for their lives. The world does not revolve around me. Although in truth, if I am honest, I really wish it did.

I’m a pain in the ass. And although, depending on your personality, it’s not like this with everyone I am in a relationship/friendship with, it is still definitely a problem I have with some. I seem to not have this issue with Virgos or other Cancers. They understand me in ways that many others don’t.

Ultimately there is a price to be paid for my friendship. It’s a risk many may not want to take. But it’s also a benefit too. You’ll find with me, a place where you can always have love and acceptance. You’ll find with me that I will always be honest with you when I see you screwing up. That I will always be there when you need someone to hold you and just listen. You will also find with me a loyalty that knows no limit.

As I mentioned above, you may not be the kind of person who wants or needs this brand of love and friendship. Many are not. I get that. Yet, I still wear my heart all over my body and I leap before I should. Simply to scoop you up and love on you.

What can I say, that I am sorry?  I’m not sure I am. But believe me, I’ve paid dearly with my bleeding heart, considering some of the things I have suffered due to this little trait in myself. Sometimes I truly wish, with every fiber or my being, that I was not this way. But then again, that really wouldn’t be me would it?

I’m not sure I was able to capture in these words all my thoughts on this subject. There is so much more to it. Maybe it helped you to see something about yourself, maybe it didn’t. Either way, at the very least, I hope you might consider seeking your own truth and finding out what makes you tick. Peel the layers of the onion, it’s worth it, but be careful; when you really dig, what you find tends to stink a little until you air it out.

Take care,

Wookiesgirl

I wrote this today as I listened to many Alanis Morissette songs. Her lyrics are a great muse for me and they are also very real, raw, and honest.

Playlist: Alanis Morissette

Flowers of Entanglement

         Straightjacket

         Not as we

         Madness

         Limbo no more

         Orchid (one of my favorites and most accurate)

         Moratorium

         Torch

         Tapes

         The guy who leaves

Under Rug Swept

         Hands clean

         Flinch

         That particular time

         You owe me nothing in return

         Narcissus

         So unsexy

         Precious illusions

         Surrendering

City of Angels

         Uninvited

Today

In memory of Josh and Jacob.
I miss you both.

When I woke up and rolled over in bed this morning, I did what I usually do: checked my phone for messages and then checked my Twitter. The first thing I read was that Amy Winehouse had died. The cause is as yet undetermined, but Amy had a history of alcohol and drug abuse. Most likely, she overdosed.

I’m disturbed today because the next thing I saw on my Twitter time-line was people talking about how Amy had a choice, or that she was selfish. That she had no regard for her family or fans. Let me tell you, this disease is very selfish, that is true, and alcoholics and addicts appear to be very selfish as they continue to use and drink to the point of self-destruction.

Tell me, do you really believe that someone has a choice? Do you really believe when Amy was a little girl she said, “When I grow up I want to be a drug addict and alcoholic”? Do you really believe any alcoholics or addicts set out to become what they are? Of course not. No one would choose that life. It seems so simple to those of us who maybe used drugs recreationally when we were younger or can have one or two drinks and then walk away. Why is it so hard for others who seem to have a problem?

For an alcoholic mind, there is no choice in the matter, folks.

Now, I am not writing this to talk about Amy… I didn’t know her, obviously. I’m writing to share with you my experience with drug addiction and alcoholism. My condolences go out to Amy’s family and friends. I, too, know what it’s like to lose someone to this horrible disease.

In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous there is a chapter that speaks to the insidious disease of alcoholism. It is a disease. It is NOT a choice. Please read it: http://silkworth.net/bb/doctorsopinion.html.

In fact, buy a copy of the book and read the whole thing. If you think you have a problem with alcohol or drugs, it may help you. If you love an alcoholic or addict, it may help you, too. If you are just a person who wants to understand the disease, it will change your view.

This amazing book was written in the late thirties. The founders of Alcoholics Anonymous had to have been touched by the hand of God. They created this amazing program that has saved countless lives. That program birthed the next in line: Al-Anon. Hundreds of programs followed after these two, all of them based on the core principals of AA.

I have known and loved many alcoholics and addicts. My father is an addict/alcoholic. I watched him get clean and sober, as well as relapse, many times. Today he is sober. I watched both of my husband’s cousins, Josh and Jacob, die from their addictions to heroin. I loved them both. My husband has a long history of alcoholics and addicts in his family. In addition to Josh and Jacob, I have lost at least two other friends to drug overdoses. This is a very real and very horrible disease and it takes lives. Society only pays attention when it happens to be a celebrity.

The sad fact is addicts/alcoholics die every day. Some find recovery every day too.

But, what of the families? How does all this affect them? There is always much focus on the actual drunk or addict isn’t there? Always much talk about what they should or should not be doing. And then of course those people who share their opinions of said addicts/drunks, that most likely have no idea what it’s like, or worse, they do, and they themselves have never sought help.

Let me tell you, I am a crazy, CRAZY alanon. I grew up in this disease. I call myself an “alanon” like you would call an alcoholic a “drunk,” etc. What I have come to learn is that it’s a family disease. My father was not home a lot, and though he used drugs and drank regularly, he didn’t do it at home. He was, however, very grumpy, and also violent. My mother’s first husband was a violent alcoholic. She had two children with him, and after divorcing him she met my father and had me.

My mother was very focused on my father. Always trying to control, to get him to “behave” and do whatever it was she needed or wanted him to do. She worked a lot out of necessity and was angry a good majority of the time. She had bouts of depression my entire life and took most all her frustration out on my two siblings and me.

Don’t get me wrong, my father was a bastard, but he was also predictable. My mother was a damn roller-coaster ride. You never knew what sort of mood she would be in or what might set her off. I suffered more damage at the hands of my mother than I ever did from my father. And although my siblings grew up in the same home as I did, their experience was different than mine. They may feel as though they suffered more at my father’s hands than my mothers. I can’t share their story, it’s theirs.

My father got sober for the first time in the early eighties. My mother took me to Alateen and she went to Al-Anon. Al-Anon uses the same steps and principles as AA. Like AA, it works, but you have to work it. You have to have a willingness and capacity to be honest. You have to be willing to see your part. Mostly, you have to be ready. My mother never seemed to really grasp the principles of the program. She was still very caught up in my father and blamed him for everything. In her mind, it was all his fault and there was nothing wrong with her. She couldn’t see her part.

I learned about alcoholism and addiction at an early age because of Alateen. I learned it was a disease and that I didn’t cause it, I couldn’t cure it, and I couldn’t control it. I was not cured though, and I still went on to make many mistakes as a young adult and still continue to work on myself today. Growing up in the family disease warped me. I had and still have distorted thinking, and as a result, I made and make poor choices. I still have a laundry list of things I try to control. It just is what it is.

I had a son at the age of nineteen and I was not a good mother for a long time. My son is now twenty and let me tell you, he has never lived with active alcoholism or drug addiction. He is pretty screwed up and he has only ever lived with me. ME!

My two youngest children, ages eight and seven, have never lived in active alcoholism, and though for the majority of their lives I have been in active Al-Anon recovery, they are not immune to this disease. Any of them can become either an alcoholic/addict or an alanon. Maybe even both. There are no guarantees. It’s a family disease and it spreads through generations. It’s cunning, baffling, and powerful. It manifests itself in many ways. Gambling, sex, food (over-eating or anorexia), controlling, worrying, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc.

The list goes on and on. It doesn’t just show up as alcoholism or drug addiction, and I’ll tell you something else: I believe whole heartedly that the non-drinkers spread this just as rapidly, if not more so, than the drinkers themselves. This is my opinion and many of you will not agree. I’m okay with that.

My mother was out of her mind. She was consumed with my father and trying to control him, and as a result, she neglected us kids. She took her frustrations out on us. She did just as much damage as he did. I chased around plenty of alcoholics when my son was young. I was always consumed with a “him” and I neglected my son. I took out my frustrations on my son. I did plenty of damage. Again, no alcoholic present in his life.

If my son ends up being an alcoholic/addict or even an alanon like me, is it the family disease or did I play a part? I believe it’s both. The same goes for my younger children. I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I sure as hell can’t control it, but I play a part in it.

I hated my mother for years because I felt that she never took ownership of her part. I believed that, although she attended Al-Anon meetings for years, she chose not to get better. She CHOSE!

Now, doesn’t that sound awfully like what people say about addicts and alcoholics? It does, doesn’t it?

I had buckets of compassion for the alcoholics and drug addicts in my life. I even had it for the newcomers in Al-Anon, but I had none for my mother. In my mind, she should have known better. She should have been able to be honest about her part, her wrong doings, and contribution to the insanity in our home. I struggled with this prior to entering recovery and for a very long time after. Then a miracle happened. One day a friend said something to me that completely changed my thinking. She said that maybe my mother was never meant to find recovery. Maybe she wasn’t supposed to so that I could. Whoa!

In that moment, everything changed for me. I couldn’t really blame my mother, then, could I? If she was never meant to recover, then that means that she didn’t have a choice. I’ll say it again: She didn’t have a choice.

Was it God talking through my friend? I believe that it was, but who knows? All I know is in that moment I saw my mother differently, and because of that I was able to love her again. I was able to be a good daughter and stop treating her so poorly. I was also able to make amends to her verbally as well as through changing my actions. I was able to see my part.

My mother is still a crazy untreated alanon and she is also very sick with Parkinson’s disease, but I love her today. I don’t always like her, but I love her. That is recovery.

Some alcoholics and addicts never recover. Some die and some just exist. It is not a choice. It’s between that person and their God. Some have to die so others can recover.

Alanons die too. No one realizes it. We don’t see headlines in the paper about the woman who ran a red light and killed herself and two other people. Was she driving blind with fury, chasing after an alcoholic child or spouse? Was she so caught up in her own thoughts that she wasn’t paying attention? We’ll never know, because it’s not talked about. Hell, it’s not even recognized. It goes unnoticed because we are all so focused on the alcoholic and addict. WE: The children, the spouses, the friends, WE get sick too. Sometimes we even get sicker than the alcoholic/addict. I know I did.

Today I work a twelve step program known as Al-Anon. I go to at least two meetings a week. I have a sponsor; I call her every week at a designated time. I sponsor other women; they call me at designated times every week. I pray on my knees to a power greater than myself, whom I choose to call God. I take commitments in my meetings. I work the 12 steps as they are laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I do these six things because I want to and need to. I do them because I want to own my part and I want to recover.

I study the Big Book, and everywhere in the first 164 pages where it references the “alcoholic” I change it in my mind to “alanon” and everywhere it references “drink” or “drinking,” I change it to “control” or “controlling.” When I do this, every damn word of that book applies to me.

I will never graduate and never be perfectly healed. I will, however, get a daily reprieve from my insanity, contingent on my spiritual maintenance.

Bill W., the author of the AA Big Book, wrote it for the sick and suffering alcoholic, but he also wrote it for their families and friends. It’s a design for living and it works for me.

The book applies to life. I suggest you read it. It may just save your life. It saved mine.

Much love to you all.
WookiesGirl

Bridging the Gap Recovery Retreat Weekend 2011

A little history for you:

Bridging the Gap... A weekend retreat for Alcoholic and Al-Anon women in recovery.

This year marked the 17th, held in the mountains of Prescott, Arizona. This same type of retreat, although called different names, is held all over this country, as well as Europe. It was started by a small group of women in the first groups of Al-Anon in Texas over 30 years ago.

Things like this were not done then. The wives (and yes, at that time they were mostly wives) of recovering alcoholics didn't associate with the women of Alcoholics Anonymous. Marci W. from Texas decided it would be a great idea to start a retreat weekend conference for Al-Anon. While she was at it, she also decided to invite the recovering alcoholic women to attend as well. Prior to that, the AA women and the Al-Anon women did not mingle. That legacy has been passed down and around this country for, as I said, over 30 years.

My sponsorship line descends from that great woman. I can trace my Al-Anon family tree straight back to Marci. She was a member of Al-Anon before there even was anything known as Al-Anon in Texas.

This retreat is a safe place. It allows Al-Anon and AA women to come together and grow in their recovery. We bridge the gap between us and find safety and love together in recovery.

******

Every time I go on a weekend retreat, or attend a special 12 step recovery event, I blog about it. I have a desire to share my journey with you. I love to write and my recovery blog is a wonderful way to let you see my recovery; the good and the bad parts of it.

This is my fifth year attending this weekend conference. We refer to it as a retreat because we seclude ourselves up in the mountains at a specific church camp. We’re not there for church, we are there for AA and Al-Anon recovery. And, though it is not church, God is present. He’s surrounding all of us the entire time we are there. I feel Him everywhere, and he touches me through the women that are there for those three short days.

The theme of this year’s retreat was:
“…our pick struck gold. Joy at our release from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds.” AA Big book, pages 128-129

The first thing I want to tell you is that, for the first time in two years, I did not dread heading up to this conference. The last several events and conferences I attended, I grumbled the entire time and absolutely did not want to be there. This year was different. Needless to say, I am quite glad for that. I was just mellow. I packed and then I got in the car. One of the women I sponsor and my best friend were with me. It’s a tradition that my best friend and I drive together and we’re typically joined at the hip all weekend at these things. Two peas in a pod and I love it. We were friends before she entered the rooms of Al-Anon and I am forever grateful that she did. It’s like having the best of both worlds. She’s a gift from God for me.

So, what did I learn this weekend? Per usual, a lot. We’re told the first night to listen for a word or phrase that keeps coming up for us through the weekend. This year it was a phrase and, just like last year, it was on Friday night. Again, like last year, it was something the AA guest speaker said. She was sharing about doing her first 5th step with her sponsor; this was early in her recovery, over 20 years ago.

The 4th step is: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
The 5th step is: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
This means you read the inventory to someone you trust, usually your sponsor.

This woman is amazing. I’d not met her before or heard her story but I could relate to many things she said. She shared with us how she had read that inventory to her sponsor and there were so many ugly things that she had done during her drinking. Naturally, she felt a lot of shame about those things. Her sponsor said to her, “You are not what you did. And you did the best that you could at the time without God’s help.”

When those words came out of her mouth, as she stood at the podium in the front of the room, she may as well have been talking directly to me. I heard her…really heard her.

I am not what I did. Or what I have done. I did the best I could without God’s help. Now, the difference is, for the years that I have been in Al-Anon recovery, I have had God’s help. But, sometimes, even while in recovery, we still do things we are not proud of, or feel shame over. I have always had God’s help…when I asked for it.

The last two years, I was not asking for God’s help. Instead, I was running on complete and total self-will.

Wow! This was profound for me. I have to tell you, I think shame is a useless emotion. It does nothing but feed misery and guilt and ugliness inside. I have only felt shame one other time during my journey of recovery and, here I was feeling shame again. And, I didn’t even realize that I was feeling it. One more time, I am reminded that this disease, my disease, alanonism, is cunning, baffling and powerful.

I carried this message from her through the whole weekend. I cried and I laughed and I let those women fill me up. I also let God fill me up. And I felt whole again. Another thing I heard that same speaker say was: “God doesn’t teach me lessons, life teaches me lessons and God gives me the strength and the courage to get through it. If… I call on him."

I got the privilege to sit and talk to two other women that I know in program, but never had a chance to get to know one on one. One of those women I’ve heard speak and tell her story at an anniversary event almost a year ago and I’d written about her in this blog. It was cool to be able to share that with her and then read it to her. Amazing.

I got to see my newest sponsee experience the power of this weekend and watch that power fill her up completely. What a blessing and an honor to be a part of her life.

I got to go to sleep next to my best friend each night and, before we closed our eyes, talk about what we had experienced that day. We also giggled to the point of exhaustion. Another blessing.

I don’t have to do any of these things. I get to do them. I get to experience this.

Here are a few more gems that stuck out for me this weekend. Some were funny and some were very serious and profound for me.

“If you can’t laugh at yourself, then you’ve missed the joke of the century.” This made me laugh, and laugh hard.

“There is nothing that consumes a person more than the passion of a resentment.” Wow, yeah, that one was a great reminder.

“We cease fighting anything or anyone. “ AA big book

“You never need to defend yourself. If you are wrong, then you have no defense. If you are right, you have nothing to defend.” I needed this reminder, too.

My great, great, grand-sponsor shared something that she had heard a late, long time member of AA say years ago. “A big old fish was swimming along in the ocean, and he swims by three young fish and says: 'Hey, boys. How’s the water?' And then continues on past them. The young fish all turn to each other and say: 'What’s water?' They then spend the rest of their fish lives swimming around the ocean, looking for the water."

I have heard her tell this story before, but this year she added something. She said: “It’s the same for us right here in this room, in regards to God. He’s all around us; we’re already swimming in Him and His love. And many times we don’t see it and we keep searching for it. We don’t realize it’s already here. We’re already surrounded by it."

I always thought I understood what that little story was saying, but I realized in that moment I didn’t. Now I know what it means. God is all around us, and yes, sometimes we believe that he wasn’t there through the hard times or the horrible things that we went through, growing up or living as adults, in this disease. He was there and He is there now. All we have to do is invite him in. The late Pat C., a member of Al-Anon for over 30+ years, said it many times. “God is a gentleman and he waits for you to invite him in.”

Today, I’ve invited God back into my life and I’ve asked him for help. The release of my pain, my fears, and my anger is profound as a result.

I am not what I did or what I have done. It is not who I am. It does not define me. And my God loves me no matter what I did or have done.

He loves me and He forgives me. Clearly my pick struck gold and continues to strike it.

Much love and blessings to you all!

Wookies Girl

Bridging the Gap Recovery Retreat Weekend 2010

Bridging the Gap..... This is a weekend retreat for Alcoholic and Al-Anon women in recovery.

This year marked the 16th, held in the mountains of Prescott Arizona. This same type of retreat, although called different names, is held all over this country as well as Europe. It was started by a small group of Al-Anon women in the first groups of Al-Anon in Texas over 30 yrs ago.
Things like this were not done then. The Wives (and yes at that time they were mostly wives) of recovering alcoholics didn't associate with the women of Alcoholics Anonymous. Marci W of Texas decided, after talking to an alcoholic woman in recovery, it would be a great idea to start a retreat weekend for Al-Anon. While she was at it she decided to invite the recovering alcoholic women to attend as well. That legacy has been passed down and around this country for, as I said, over 30 years.

My sponsorship line descends from that great woman. I can trace my Al-Anon family tree straight back to Marci. She was a member of Al-Anon before there even was anything known as Al-Anon in Texas.

This retreat is a safe place. It allows Al-Anon and AA women to come together and grow in their recovery.

Every time I attend a retreat I learn something new. Some great.. although most times, painful truth about myself is revealed. This weekend was no different.

I haven't wanted to go to most of the retreats I have attended this year. As I have shared with you in past posts, it's been a hard year for me and I have struggled in my recovery.

I packed my bags on Friday and began that long drive up the mountain with my favorite Al-Anon sisters. Lot's of hemming and hawing.. and let's not forget eye rolling.
But I go.. I go because that is what I've been taught to do. I go because I know... I KNOW with every fiber of my being that I NEED to be there.

Let me first start by saying that when I attended this retreat the first time 4 yrs ago... It changed my recovery, because of that it changed my life.

The theme of this years retreat was:
"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a power greater than ourselves" AA big book pg. 45

So what did I learn at this specific retreat?

LOT'S of things... Needless to say, it was a VERY emotional weekend for me. All my thoughts have not yet jelled but I will do my best to capture what is in my mind for you.

At every retreat they tell you in the beginning to listen for your word or phrase of the weekend. Something that you just keep hearing over and over again.

By Friday night I knew what my word was... It was actually two words

Love and God

This retreat is a series of workshops. 3 are done. But you have choices... they run 2 workshops in parallel and you have to choose which ones you want to attend.

The third was the most profound for me.
"Life is not waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain"

Good grief... My life has certainly been a storm from the summer of 2009 until now. The thing is, the storms come and go... and when they are gone... I become the storm.

Meaning, I am the maker of my own misery... my own insanity.
This, as you can imagine, should be simple to fix right? Ha! Well no, it's really not.

The AA speaker, while telling her story shared with us some crucial things she became aware of over the years of recovery from her alcoholism. She said of course that she had been a willing participant, which is true for all of us in this disease...However she went on to say: "With FULL participation, she took the actions she did... BUT... it was without her permission."

Hmm... With full participation...BUT without her permission.
This made sense to me.. You see, we do things...the choices we sometimes make are things we would NEVER permit to happen normally. Yet, there we are, fully participating in our insanity... I would never normally permit the damn storm and here I am participating in the storm.

This leads me to my two words.. Love and God.

Love is present in my life.
All around me... some misplaced and some not. Some returned and some not. Through all of this, where is God? Where is my willingness? I had shut God out.
I've recently invited him back in and I still feel lost. I still feel tormented in my mind. I want things to be different than they are.
I want what I want..... and I want it now!

I have started praying again. The other night I truly surrendered, one more time, to a power greater than myself who I choose to call God.
BUT....

There is always a 'but' with me...Like everything in life I have to practice or it won't stay. So I turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him and then.. within a minute, an hour or a day later, I take it back... Ah yes.. More insanity... The roller coaster of recovery.

What I heard this weekend was that God comes down and he meets me right where I am, no matter where that is. No matter how far down the hole I have fallen.
For me this is powerful, because there are days where I am in the depths of hell... or at least, I feel like I am.
But God is there. You see, He never, ever turns his back on me.
It's me that turns my back on him.

The late Pat C. said... "God is a gentleman. He waits" He waits for me to invite him in. When I do, he is there, ALWAYS... God shows up.

Although I'm in a better place than I was yesterday... Today, I am nowhere near where I need to be. It seems, sometimes, that I take one step forward and then two steps back.

I have more to write, more to tell you and maybe I'll do that tomorrow.
That's plenty for now...

Love to you all!
Wookies Girl

Recovery in Flagstaff

I attended another Alanon recovery retreat this past weekend. This one was much smaller than the normal ones I attend. Only eleven woman including me.

I have been reluctant to attend the last several weekends... But I go anyway. I go because I know I will hear and learn what I need to.

We started Friday night discussing the 12 steps. For those that don't know what those are... Here is a link:
Al-Anon 12 steps

We were discussing the principles associated with each step, as well as the opposite of that principle. Here they are in order:

Step 1) Honesty............................Dis-honesty
Step 2) Hope.................................Despair
Step 3) Action...............................Lethargy
Step 4) Courage........................... Fear
Step 5) Integrity...........................Deceit
Step 6) Acceptance.......................Denial
Step 7) Humility...........................Pride
Step 8) Brotherly love..................Hate
Step 9) Self discipline................... Self-will run riot
Step 10) Perseverance..................Procrastination
Step 11) Spiritual awareness........Being in a cocoon
Step 12) Service............................Hoarding


I realized when the group leader was reading them out loud that at one time or another since this past June I could identify with every single one of those negative/opposites.
This year I seem to have fallen off the beam.. This means basically I am not in line with my recovery. I no longer feel connected to my higher power, who I choose to call God. I no longer want to stay in my seat that has been so freely given to me.
Don't get me wrong. I don't think I am cured by any stretch of the imagination. I simply have no desire to work on what's wrong.
Some big changes happened this year in my marriage. Basically, without all the gory details ... it fell apart. Since then a whole host of other things have occurred.
My mother came to stay for 4 months. That was incredibly hard. She is very very sick with Parkinson's Disease combined with dementia and confusion. She is difficult to care for and she is very verbally abusive at times. Shortly after she left and literally 3 days before Christmas we lost our cousin, Jacob, to a drug overdose. This was horrible. I cannot even begin to describe this loss to you. I miss him terribly.
I have had some amazing people enter my life that I became very close to and then I have watched those same people drift out of my life as if we were never friends. All the while my husband and I fight and find resolution and fight again and then find resolution... 2009 to 2010 has simply sucked...

What is my basic malfunction? Why can I not get back on the beam? Why do I fight to stay in what seems like turmoil?
Simply put: I am restless, irritable and discontent.

My writer friends would say that from this mood comes great writing! Yes? Would you agree?

That is the one positive thing that I have done since August of last year. I started writing. Poetry has poured out of me... at first only spurred on by the things happening around me, then growing and changing into me finding my muse, which takes on many forms at times. I learned how to channel my muse... How to take one line someone says or a song and build a poem from it. How to write a poem for someone else who is struggling with something in their life. I pull the emotions from deep inside me... Love, hate, lust, anger, desperation.. You name it and it all comes...
Is this why I am walking through this? So I can learn how to write? That can't be it... But who knows? I do believe that only God knows. He see's the purpose in all of this struggle.

What I learned AGAIN this weekend is that I have problems.. LOL Really???
No seriously.. I have trouble with Acceptance and I have trouble with Expectations... They are like a nasty rash that just wont go away!

Acceptance is difficult for me when there has been change... and no I am not talking about the wall color or the furniture... I am talking about CHANGE.. like someone in my life suddenly starts behaving differently, or someone in my life is no longer in my life... Big fat changes that no matter how many bites I take, I can't seem to get the whole thing down my throat.
Most people have trouble with Change.. Its a normal thing.
But let me explain. I am an "Alanon" I DO NOT LIKE IT AT ALL! I DO NOT DEAL WITH IT WELL AT ALL!
So my reaction is not typical... I fight, I kick, I scream, I cry, I make YOU miserable until YOU do what I want you to do.

See?? This is a problem.

Then the thing I am struggling with becomes this elephant in the room.. Or the Gorilla or the Zombie or the Dragon.. Whatever you want to call it. It's a PROBLEM, a big problem. Eventually it becomes so big that it takes over everything and soon it becomes all I can see.

I was sitting there at the retreat thinking.. Ya know... A ten minute warning would REALLY be good. If I could just get a ten minute warning that major change is about to occur I might be able to handle it better. In that moment that idea sounded completely logical to me.
THEN...
I laughed at myself and said my good idea out-loud to the group. See I HAD to say that stuff out loud.
WHY?
Well, because in my magic mind, that crap sounded completely rational and reasonable.. and I have learned enough to know that my mind lies to me. I believe the stories I tell myself and if I just say them out loud to someone else in recovery... a miracle happens.
I get it up and out... and I get to hear how incredibly insane I am. BONUS!

The very idea that I had in my head... that I should have a ten minute warning before change occurs is INSANE!

What my recovery has taught me is that there is a better way.

In regards to the Elephant in the room, aka the problem...If it's a really BIG ELEPHANT or GORILLA, the shit REALLY begins to pile up. Then you end up with a huge mess on your hands.
The best thing to do is name it... Shine the light on it. Once you have named the problem and accept it as part of life, then and only then, can you move forward. You have to state your truth and then own your truth. Get it up and out! For God Sake.. stop tip toeing around the elephant and the shit piles.
This is called Acceptance.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When someone else is my problem... my problem is me. My two most hated and favorite sayings in recovery.
They make the most sense to me.

I feel like I may be ready to step out of the pile of shit I have been sitting in. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
We'll see what happens. With God, all things are possible and I know.. I truly know, that He is carrying me.
He won't drop me on my ass.

Love to you all!
WookiesGirl

Related Recovery Post

Here is a post from my other blog. I feel it's recovery related so I wanted to add the link here for you all to see

Songs and Music

My Retreat Weekend

I wanted to share the big ticket items that stuck out to me this past weekend while attending my retreat. 12 step recovery is a process, a long one.
We aren't bad people, we're just sick people trying to get well.

One of the study leaders, who has 20+yrs in recovery, talked about the distorted thinking that goes on inside our heads.
I learned long ago that my mind is a dangerous place to go after hours. Hence the title of my blog "Magical Magnifying Mind" It's a BAD neighborhood. LOL

My thinking has been so distorted at times that I can no longer tell what's true and what's false.

The leader mentioned something along the lines of: The information in my head, the story I tell myself sounds absolutely correct.

This struck me because I can rationalize anything until it sounds valid and true.
Before recovery of course I had NO IDEA that I was doing this.

Because I am affected by the family disease of alcoholism and my thinking is distorted there is no clear way for my actions to carry out the "absolute correct" story that I have told myself in my head.

My intentions are ALWAYS good. My actions, not always.
What happens is I try and try to force a solution, to manipulate the situation or people around me to be what I think they need to be.

A lot of this behavior is based on old idea's in my head. This brings me to another thing I heard this weekend.
Old idea's are not old if I am still using them today. My thinking is "ILL"ogical and it all becomes useless and out of date junk.
This I heard VERY clearly.

One more time I must take responsibility for my part, for my actions.

I must clear away this old junk, stop using old ideas.
I must surrender, admit that I don't know what is best for everyone else, let alone myself.
Surrender has been defined for me as " The willingness to get better someone else's way"

The good news is that although this still happens, it happens far less now since I am in recovery. If I am willing to rely on a power greater then myself, whom I choose to call God then all things are possible.
If I am willing to take direction from my sponsor and apply the suggestions she gives me to my daily life then I can begin to be changed.

I will never graduate. This is a life long process. I am okay with that.
Progress not perfection is one of our principles.
Thank God for that.

Self-will run riot!

I'm Hurt. You've hurt me.

I retaliate...

I've closed all the doors, the windows are all locked.

God is no where to be found. I've pushed him away.

I'm running the show, but I am dying inside.

Alone and lonely, full of despair.

The walls begin to close in.

Insanity prevails.

One day at a time

When someone else is my problem, my problem is me.

I hate this saying, despise it really.

It forces me to look directly at my expectations of others.
If you're doing something, or have done something to upset me, then I am the one with the problem.
It means that I have placed unrealistic expectations on you and you my friend have not lived up to them.

I am left feeling hurt, disappointed and resentful.

What now?

I have choices.
I can sit in my shit or I can call someone, reach out, ask for help.

The phone can sometimes feel as though it weighs 10,000 lbs.
At times it may take all my strength just to pick it up, dial a number and ask someone for help.
When I finally do, the results are undeniably beneficial.

One phone call can change my whole perception.
With a few simple words the entire situation changes without anything really changing at all.

How easy it is to want to blame others, to wallow in self pity.
Taking responsibility for my part is usually the better option.
Am I ready?

At this moment I don't know...

What I do know in my heart, is that I can walk through anything.
The God I choose to believe in today will walk with me.

I choose to believe that my God loves me more than anything in the world.
If that's what I need, then he will give it to me.
So I will pray for acceptance and understanding.

I can't see the lesson that this current situation holds for me.
I know it's an opportunity for growth, because I am in pain.
We grow when we're in pain.

One day at a time.

Confusion and Contempt

I recognize nothing around me.

My head is spinning, lost in a sea of despair.
I don't understand and communication is no where to be found.

One more time I am left wondering.
One more time left confused.

Life doesn't have to be this hard does it?

Stumble...

Trip...

Fall...

....On my ass once again!

Expectation and disappointment surround me, a rejected child.
Cast aside, I don't fit in.

Contempt prior to investigation is my crime.
Anger is my friend, conflict is a fear I have yet to face.

I am different from you...Will I ever be considered the same?

The 7 deadly sins

This weekend my 12 step recovery retreat ended with a discussion of how they apply to my character defects and or flaws if that makes you more comfortable.

The 7 Deadly Sins:

Pride
Greed
Anger
Lust
Gluttony
Envy
Sloth

I was asked to examine my most glaring character defects and determine which ones point directly to one of the deadly sins.

My glaring character defects:

Selfish/Self-Centered
Rebellious
Attention Seeking
Flirtatious
Vindictive
A need to be right
Judgmental
Sarcastic
Fear

So out of these I was puzzled. They can point to all of the 7 sins really.
When I tried to identify only one it lead me to another.

What I finally settled on was:
Greed

I want everything, expect everything.
I fear I may lose something I have or wont get something I want.
I become focused on what I want to do at that moment and I neglect basic responsibilities like housework and sometimes large responsibilities like my husband, Kids or Work.

No matter what it all comes back to self... Selfish and self-centered.
This lead me to Greed. I want what I want when I want it...

I lived that way for a long time. Now I work really hard to not think or behave that way. It's not easy and I will never master it or be perfect.
Progress not perfection.

One Moment

I will never have another moment exactly like this one.

In seconds and inches time passes and I move forward.

I can look back but I must not stare. What's happened is gone, never to be again.

Bloom where you are planted I hear you say.

If I stay in today I have choices.
Today is all I have.

Huh?

Where am I? What the hell am I doing?
I seem to have fallen off the beam... AGAIN!

There is a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach that wont go away.
I am restless, irritable and discontent.
I cant stand to be inside my own skin.

I am standing on the outside of a window looking in. I can see everyone inside.
They all seem happy. Why can I not be?

I feel my old familiar friend disappointment.
He is thick in my veins. Drowning my thoughts and clouding my vision.

I am such a great for-getter, but what I forget for a while always returns..
I am reminded one more time
When someone else is my problem, my problem is me.

Damn it... It ALWAYS comes back to me.

It was so much easier when I could just blame it on you...When I believed it was all your fault.
So much easier when I could just say "FUCK YOU" Look what you did to me?
Look how you hurt me? Turn my back, walk away.

But that doesn't work, it never has...It only further isolates me.

Here I am. Sitting in my shit!
I am not ready to climb out of it yet. Its still warm and familiar.
I think I will stay a bit longer.
At least until my fingers get pruney.

Soon enough the willingness will return.
I will stand up, take a shower, get back on the beam and begin again.

My God Sized Hole.

Darkness and emptiness overwhelm me.

I cant stand this feeling. Being inside my own skin is hell.
I am empty.
I cannot breathe.

I love you and hate you at the same time.
I hate myself always.
I despise what I have become.
You give me nothing and everything and it is never enough.

I am left with feelings of doubt and self loathing.
Alone in my mind wondering what I did wrong.
How can I make it better? How can I make you love me more.

You wont give me an inch for fear that I will take a mile.
You are right, I will take a mile.
I will take everything you are.
I will bleed you dry and it will never be enough.
You can never be enough.

My insides are empty.
I have no idea who I am or what I want to be.

Are you the next victim?
Will you be the one that is enough to make me feel OK in my own skin?

The ones that have come before you have all fallen short.

Are you willing to risk everything that you are; to be bled dry in hopes that you are enough?
Will you try and fill up my God sized hole; the hole that resides where my heart used to be?

Are you my new God?

The saner side of the street

Buckle up, this is a long one. Many of you know how long winded I can be. *wink*



Some of you may have seen on my profile that I am a member of a 12step recovery program. Its called Alanon. If you don't know what that is then I encourage you to Google it. If you qualify then it will change your life. For those members of 12 step recovery out there that may read this.. A BIG HELLO!

Anyway...

All I have is my experience, strength and hope to share. Everything I am about to write is simply my opinion. Take it for what it is worth to you.

I went to a recovery workshop today. It was on the 10th step. (there are 12 total)

The first 9 steps some would consider to be action steps. The last 3 are maintenance steps. I can explain more about the steps and how they work another time. For now I want to talk about the
10th step.

Step 10 says: "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

Let me explain what this is saying.
Step 10 gives me a chance to review my actions of the day and when I am wrong or have behaved badly it directs me to make amends for that behavior. AMENDS? Eeep...

You guessed it! This is where I get to go clean up whatever mess I made that day. I have been taught that I should not say "I'm sorry" and for good reason. This is a set of words that gets tossed around a lot in this disease and it no longer means much. This is true in the world that I lived in for a long time.
What I am instructed to say is: I was wrong, this is why. I want to know what I can do to make it right? Will you forgive me?
As you can guess this is not always easy to do.. Many times I am not willing to make the amends or I don't feel like I even mean them.
Sometimes I just feel completely justified in my position.

I am told that even if I don't mean it yet I need to take the necessary action anyway.
Ah HELL make the Amends anyway???

Well this is why...
My goal today is to be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. etc... Part of trying to be that better person is cleaning up my side of the street. Even if the other person is wrong too. Even when what they have done to me was completely horrible and undeserved. I have a part in what is going on and if I have behaved badly, in ANY way, then I need to clean that up.

The step says "promptly". This means I must do this quickly. Sometimes its that day, most times it's next day. The point is I need to do before I talk myself out of it and this little pebble in my shoe becomes a boulder in my gut.

This is not an easy thing and I get PLENTY of opportunities to practice. I work toward progress not perfection. I am not a bad person, I am a sick person trying to get well.
I will never be cured and I will never graduate.

Today at the workshop there were four speakers present. Two from Alanon and Two from Alcoholics Anonymous. One of the AA speakers was here from CA and also spoke at the AA meeting I attended last night.
What an amazing woman. I completely feel that God brought her here for me this weekend. She had very profound things to share last night while telling the meeting her recovery story.

She talked about keeping her side of the street clean and why she needed to do that. She talked about being a good daughter and granddaughter. How her mother and grandmother were very mean and cruel at times and no matter what they did she kept her eyes off of them and their behavior and focused only on her own behavior and actions.

It's a foreign concept to people, this idea of continually trying to take the right action and be good to a person who is treating you like shit.
Even writing it out now it sounds completely insane to me. If it were not for that fact that I know that it works... I would run screaming from my laptop. LOL
I have seen it work in many peoples lives. Hell it has worked in my own life.
The speaker shared about how it worked in hers.
She also talked about her God sized hole and how she was convinced that she was not okay.


Today at the workshop she talked about seeing her part in situations and how to clean that up. Like her, I tend to justify, explain and defend my behavior. "If you hadn't had done that, then I wouldn't have done this"
Folks this is 100% bullshit!

It doesn't matter what anyone does to me..or better yet what I THINK they have done to me. It doesn't give me the right to be mean, vindictive, punishing or cold.
What kind of person do I want to be today?

She also shared about going on vacation recently with her girlfriends. Sitting at the table quietly while they all chatted and laughed with each other. Her mind began to do that "Magical Magnifying" thing and she began to think: They don't want me here, they don't really like me.. They hate me... It's all about me...

--this is how insane we are... Information from no where lands in my head and becomes fact! Where does this information come from.. WHO THE HELL KNOWS!
It's just there and I tell you it seems very very real!
So what's the difference between me and those that are not in recovery?
I know how fucking crazy I am... others may go their whole life not knowing or seeing their crazy behavior--

Anyway...
There she is.. just going at it in her head. The stage has been set.. I mean now she must talk about it. There is a problem and she needs to solve it right now! Get it all out on the table.
But instead she pauses.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says: "Pause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action (from God)"
She pauses....
This my friends is the difference. We often need time... time to just let it sit a bit.

She knows enough about herself and has been in recovery long enough to know that what she is thinking is probably not right. Her thinking is distorted as is mine most of the time. Like her I always think it's about me. ME ME ME ME ME! GAG!

She excuses herself to go get some coffee, prays and calls a fellow AA friend and talks with her about 20 min. She returns to her friends.
Oh. My. God. she says.. They have all changed. Everything is fine. They do love her and want her there and are not ignoring her. AMAZING!

Now here is the question. Were they ignoring her before? I don't know and ya know what? It doesn't really matter whether they were or weren't.
She had a choice in those moments where that stinking thinking came into her head.
She chose to pause...
If she had not chosen to do that then I can tell you with complete certainty that she would have spent hours maybe even days with a big mess on her hands that she would have created.

Well when she said all of this I was just about knocked out of my chair... God I love when that happens. It's like God just reached out and slapped me in the back of the head!
Not in a bad way either.

I have been going through some shit lately. I found myself neck deep in a mess that I fear I may have created all on my own.
I took some things that happened lately very personal. My feelings were extremely hurt and I was left confused with a broken heart. Now I do not know if the things that I perceived to be happening were real or just a part of my "Magical Magnifying Mind".
It doesn't really matter does it?

If I had prayed, called my sponsor...paused as I mentioned before, maybe the situation would have looked very different to me after a few days. I will never know the answer to this question.
What I did instead was perceive that EVERYTHING that was happening was about me. My, my, my, I have a HUGE ego.. Sheesh!

What happened you ask?
I pulled away, I went silent, I reached out irrationally and when I didn't get the response I was hoping for I pulled away more, feeling even more hurt and cast aside.
Insanity... pure insanity.

It doesn't really matter if the situation was all about me; If these two people really felt the way I thought that they did.. It doesn't matter because the focus has to be on me and my part. I have to look at how I behaved and the damage that I caused.
Did I harm them and others? Yes I am sure that I did.
Do I own amends... Yes I am sure that I do.

Now because I am a jump into action kind of girl I want to get right to my "promptly". I want to make my amends. I feel foolish and guilty.
I am uncomfortable and I don't want to be. Ick!

My sponsor who I love and adore knows me too well. I tell her my realization and she says to wait... and to pray. Pause... Ask for the right thought or action...

I will do as she says because that's what I signed up for, but also because I know she sees what I cannot and I trust that she will always lead me in the right direction.

God has given me a new set of eyes and ears today. He gives me opportunities and blessings. I have learned that the opportunities ALWAYS turn into blessings if I am patient and take the next right action.

I see my part. I know that I was wrong. I want to be a better friend.

Nothing had changed and yet everything was different.
I continue to walk through this and I see everything differently now.
I am blessed!