Acceptance

Lately, I’ve been struggling with acceptance.

Over the years of my recovery, there have been times that I’ve had no trouble accepting things in my life as they are. Sometimes, though, a situation slaps me upside the head and, no matter what I do, I cannot get into a place of acceptance. Why is that?

There are several reasons why this happens to me, but the main one is fear. Fear of losing what I have, or fear of not getting what I want.

What if?
What if I accept the situation as it is and it stays this way forever? The situation looks nothing like I want it to look, quite opposite in fact, so what if it stays this way? And so goes the struggle.

I fight, kick, scream, cry, beg and then scream some more. "No, no, NO! This can’t be the way it is. It just can’t be."

The Acceptance prayer in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous taught me that everything happens for a reason. This is what I believe. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake, so then why? Why is this happening? Is it the will of others or is it God’s will? What about what I want? What about how I feel?

What about me?

It’s always about me, at least I believe it is. I’ve learned this truth about myself long ago. I want what I want when I want it. I am selfish and self-centered.

I don’t want to accept things as they are because I don’t want them to be as they are.

Here is the prayer that I pray (read) almost every day. You can find it in the AA Big Book on page 449 of the 3rd edition and on page 417 in the 4th edition.

** For the Al-Anon’s, I’ve tweaked it just a bit. If you do this little trick with the entire Big Book of AA, you will see yourself in the pages and not just the alcoholic. Bill Wilson and the co-founders of AA knew what they were doing when they wrote this book and it applies to everyone, no matter what your “issue” may be.

Acceptance Prayer

God, acceptance is that answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I can accept my Alcoholism (Alanonism), I cannot stay Sober (Sane); unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitude.


I’ve experienced the freedom of acceptance many times in my life. I know that reaching a place of acceptance does not mean that I am suddenly okay with the situation or that I am excusing it in some way. It simply means that I now realize there is nothing I can do about it. I’ve accepted that I am powerless and nothing I can do will change what’s happening. I don’t have to like it.

When I am in a place of acceptance, I am free to live. Free to breathe. God has a plan, and though I may not know what it is, I do trust in him.

When I am not in acceptance then I suffer. Right now I am suffering.

I’m desperate to feel the peace that will come from finding acceptance, but I am also desperate to hold on as tightly as I can in hopes that the situation will change. This is insanity. I know it. But…what if?

For now I will pray for willingness and I’ll say the acceptance prayer and eventually it will come. But it will only come when I am ready.

Good thing my God is patient.

Let it begin with me....

Today was a rough day, filled with all sorts of retaliation on my part. In fact the past several weeks have been quite rough.

See...I've been in this fight or flight mode through all of it. Lot's of things have happened and my response has been mostly fight, mostly lash out.
Very little flight.

That's what I do when I'm hurt.. I get angry and come after you. I am not a suicidal Al-Anon. I'm what you would call a homicidal Al-Anon... Now this DOES NOT MEAN I ACTUALLY COMMIT HOMICIDE.. So relax please... LOL
It means I come out fists up... ready to fight.

I went to my meeting tonight as I do every Monday night. The topic was "Let it begin with me"

Now my first thought, and I did say this when it was my turn to share, was... Yeah.. Look out..It'll begin with me and it'll finish with me too!
But...
That's NOT really the intention of this slogan.

What it means is... Let the changes begin with me. Let the healing begin with me. Let the NON-lashing out and NON-retaliation begin with me... Get the point?

The majority of people I surround myself with are NOT in 12 step recovery. That being said, I should expect them to behave differently or to not behave as I expect them to behave. Right?
Logically yes... But in my magical magnifying mind this is not the case. Ya see, the people that I associate with, that ARE in recovery, I tend to give a lot more latitude to. I have much more compassion for them when they screw up or don't do what I expect. I don't get hurt because I know already they are struggling just as I am, they are human just as I am.
I don't take their behavior personally.

But people NOT in recovery, I end up acting the exact opposite with.
It's rather ridiculous.
It's like I forget... (big surprise there) I forget that they are just as human, just as broken and probably hurting too, just like me. And they aren't in recovery. They have no solution or even a clue on how to fix their brokenness.

So "let it begin with me" is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. I needed the reminder that I should be taking right actions. I need to pray for compassion and acceptance. Above all things I must, MUST conduct myself with dignity and grace. What kind of person do I want to be today?
The behavior I have been displaying is unacceptable. I am NOT anyone's judge, jury or executioner. I have NO right to punish anyone and it is NOT my job to hold them accountable.
The other thing I needed to remember is that, no matter what has been done to me, or I perceive has been done to me, is not a justification for my own bad behavior. I have no right... absolutely no right to harm others NO MATTER WHAT!

Another lesson in the 3 A's.
Awareness
Acceptance
Action

I am aware of my behavior. I have been for some time now. But I must move towards accepting that I'm out of my freaking mind again. Accept that the situation is what it is and is NOT going to be different, no matter how many minutes throughout a 24 hour period, I wish it to be.
Also accept that God's plan for me and others, is far better than any plan I could come up with myself.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
And let's not forget my favorite and most hated slogan: When someone else is my problem, my problem is me.

I'm so close to finding complete acceptance. It's hard and I don't want to let go. But I will. I've been given no other choice and God has already done for me what I could not do for myself.
Now comes the action.... Let it begin with me.
It's up to me to change my behavior. Up to me to change my responses and stop jumping in the storm.

Just for today I will pray and ask God for help to be the person he wants me to be.

Recovery in Flagstaff

I attended another Alanon recovery retreat this past weekend. This one was much smaller than the normal ones I attend. Only eleven woman including me.

I have been reluctant to attend the last several weekends... But I go anyway. I go because I know I will hear and learn what I need to.

We started Friday night discussing the 12 steps. For those that don't know what those are... Here is a link:
Al-Anon 12 steps

We were discussing the principles associated with each step, as well as the opposite of that principle. Here they are in order:

Step 1) Honesty............................Dis-honesty
Step 2) Hope.................................Despair
Step 3) Action...............................Lethargy
Step 4) Courage........................... Fear
Step 5) Integrity...........................Deceit
Step 6) Acceptance.......................Denial
Step 7) Humility...........................Pride
Step 8) Brotherly love..................Hate
Step 9) Self discipline................... Self-will run riot
Step 10) Perseverance..................Procrastination
Step 11) Spiritual awareness........Being in a cocoon
Step 12) Service............................Hoarding


I realized when the group leader was reading them out loud that at one time or another since this past June I could identify with every single one of those negative/opposites.
This year I seem to have fallen off the beam.. This means basically I am not in line with my recovery. I no longer feel connected to my higher power, who I choose to call God. I no longer want to stay in my seat that has been so freely given to me.
Don't get me wrong. I don't think I am cured by any stretch of the imagination. I simply have no desire to work on what's wrong.
Some big changes happened this year in my marriage. Basically, without all the gory details ... it fell apart. Since then a whole host of other things have occurred.
My mother came to stay for 4 months. That was incredibly hard. She is very very sick with Parkinson's Disease combined with dementia and confusion. She is difficult to care for and she is very verbally abusive at times. Shortly after she left and literally 3 days before Christmas we lost our cousin, Jacob, to a drug overdose. This was horrible. I cannot even begin to describe this loss to you. I miss him terribly.
I have had some amazing people enter my life that I became very close to and then I have watched those same people drift out of my life as if we were never friends. All the while my husband and I fight and find resolution and fight again and then find resolution... 2009 to 2010 has simply sucked...

What is my basic malfunction? Why can I not get back on the beam? Why do I fight to stay in what seems like turmoil?
Simply put: I am restless, irritable and discontent.

My writer friends would say that from this mood comes great writing! Yes? Would you agree?

That is the one positive thing that I have done since August of last year. I started writing. Poetry has poured out of me... at first only spurred on by the things happening around me, then growing and changing into me finding my muse, which takes on many forms at times. I learned how to channel my muse... How to take one line someone says or a song and build a poem from it. How to write a poem for someone else who is struggling with something in their life. I pull the emotions from deep inside me... Love, hate, lust, anger, desperation.. You name it and it all comes...
Is this why I am walking through this? So I can learn how to write? That can't be it... But who knows? I do believe that only God knows. He see's the purpose in all of this struggle.

What I learned AGAIN this weekend is that I have problems.. LOL Really???
No seriously.. I have trouble with Acceptance and I have trouble with Expectations... They are like a nasty rash that just wont go away!

Acceptance is difficult for me when there has been change... and no I am not talking about the wall color or the furniture... I am talking about CHANGE.. like someone in my life suddenly starts behaving differently, or someone in my life is no longer in my life... Big fat changes that no matter how many bites I take, I can't seem to get the whole thing down my throat.
Most people have trouble with Change.. Its a normal thing.
But let me explain. I am an "Alanon" I DO NOT LIKE IT AT ALL! I DO NOT DEAL WITH IT WELL AT ALL!
So my reaction is not typical... I fight, I kick, I scream, I cry, I make YOU miserable until YOU do what I want you to do.

See?? This is a problem.

Then the thing I am struggling with becomes this elephant in the room.. Or the Gorilla or the Zombie or the Dragon.. Whatever you want to call it. It's a PROBLEM, a big problem. Eventually it becomes so big that it takes over everything and soon it becomes all I can see.

I was sitting there at the retreat thinking.. Ya know... A ten minute warning would REALLY be good. If I could just get a ten minute warning that major change is about to occur I might be able to handle it better. In that moment that idea sounded completely logical to me.
THEN...
I laughed at myself and said my good idea out-loud to the group. See I HAD to say that stuff out loud.
WHY?
Well, because in my magic mind, that crap sounded completely rational and reasonable.. and I have learned enough to know that my mind lies to me. I believe the stories I tell myself and if I just say them out loud to someone else in recovery... a miracle happens.
I get it up and out... and I get to hear how incredibly insane I am. BONUS!

The very idea that I had in my head... that I should have a ten minute warning before change occurs is INSANE!

What my recovery has taught me is that there is a better way.

In regards to the Elephant in the room, aka the problem...If it's a really BIG ELEPHANT or GORILLA, the shit REALLY begins to pile up. Then you end up with a huge mess on your hands.
The best thing to do is name it... Shine the light on it. Once you have named the problem and accept it as part of life, then and only then, can you move forward. You have to state your truth and then own your truth. Get it up and out! For God Sake.. stop tip toeing around the elephant and the shit piles.
This is called Acceptance.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When someone else is my problem... my problem is me. My two most hated and favorite sayings in recovery.
They make the most sense to me.

I feel like I may be ready to step out of the pile of shit I have been sitting in. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
We'll see what happens. With God, all things are possible and I know.. I truly know, that He is carrying me.
He won't drop me on my ass.

Love to you all!
WookiesGirl