Let it begin with me....

Today was a rough day, filled with all sorts of retaliation on my part. In fact the past several weeks have been quite rough.

See...I've been in this fight or flight mode through all of it. Lot's of things have happened and my response has been mostly fight, mostly lash out.
Very little flight.

That's what I do when I'm hurt.. I get angry and come after you. I am not a suicidal Al-Anon. I'm what you would call a homicidal Al-Anon... Now this DOES NOT MEAN I ACTUALLY COMMIT HOMICIDE.. So relax please... LOL
It means I come out fists up... ready to fight.

I went to my meeting tonight as I do every Monday night. The topic was "Let it begin with me"

Now my first thought, and I did say this when it was my turn to share, was... Yeah.. Look out..It'll begin with me and it'll finish with me too!
But...
That's NOT really the intention of this slogan.

What it means is... Let the changes begin with me. Let the healing begin with me. Let the NON-lashing out and NON-retaliation begin with me... Get the point?

The majority of people I surround myself with are NOT in 12 step recovery. That being said, I should expect them to behave differently or to not behave as I expect them to behave. Right?
Logically yes... But in my magical magnifying mind this is not the case. Ya see, the people that I associate with, that ARE in recovery, I tend to give a lot more latitude to. I have much more compassion for them when they screw up or don't do what I expect. I don't get hurt because I know already they are struggling just as I am, they are human just as I am.
I don't take their behavior personally.

But people NOT in recovery, I end up acting the exact opposite with.
It's rather ridiculous.
It's like I forget... (big surprise there) I forget that they are just as human, just as broken and probably hurting too, just like me. And they aren't in recovery. They have no solution or even a clue on how to fix their brokenness.

So "let it begin with me" is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. I needed the reminder that I should be taking right actions. I need to pray for compassion and acceptance. Above all things I must, MUST conduct myself with dignity and grace. What kind of person do I want to be today?
The behavior I have been displaying is unacceptable. I am NOT anyone's judge, jury or executioner. I have NO right to punish anyone and it is NOT my job to hold them accountable.
The other thing I needed to remember is that, no matter what has been done to me, or I perceive has been done to me, is not a justification for my own bad behavior. I have no right... absolutely no right to harm others NO MATTER WHAT!

Another lesson in the 3 A's.
Awareness
Acceptance
Action

I am aware of my behavior. I have been for some time now. But I must move towards accepting that I'm out of my freaking mind again. Accept that the situation is what it is and is NOT going to be different, no matter how many minutes throughout a 24 hour period, I wish it to be.
Also accept that God's plan for me and others, is far better than any plan I could come up with myself.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
And let's not forget my favorite and most hated slogan: When someone else is my problem, my problem is me.

I'm so close to finding complete acceptance. It's hard and I don't want to let go. But I will. I've been given no other choice and God has already done for me what I could not do for myself.
Now comes the action.... Let it begin with me.
It's up to me to change my behavior. Up to me to change my responses and stop jumping in the storm.

Just for today I will pray and ask God for help to be the person he wants me to be.