Today was a rough day, filled with all sorts of retaliation on my part. In fact the past several weeks have been quite rough.
See...I've been in this fight or flight mode through all of it. Lot's of things have happened and my response has been mostly fight, mostly lash out.
Very little flight.
That's what I do when I'm hurt.. I get angry and come after you. I am not a suicidal Al-Anon. I'm what you would call a homicidal Al-Anon... Now this DOES NOT MEAN I ACTUALLY COMMIT HOMICIDE.. So relax please... LOL
It means I come out fists up... ready to fight.
I went to my meeting tonight as I do every Monday night. The topic was "Let it begin with me"
Now my first thought, and I did say this when it was my turn to share, was... Yeah.. Look out..It'll begin with me and it'll finish with me too!
But...
That's NOT really the intention of this slogan.
What it means is... Let the changes begin with me. Let the healing begin with me. Let the NON-lashing out and NON-retaliation begin with me... Get the point?
The majority of people I surround myself with are NOT in 12 step recovery. That being said, I should expect them to behave differently or to not behave as I expect them to behave. Right?
Logically yes... But in my magical magnifying mind this is not the case. Ya see, the people that I associate with, that ARE in recovery, I tend to give a lot more latitude to. I have much more compassion for them when they screw up or don't do what I expect. I don't get hurt because I know already they are struggling just as I am, they are human just as I am.
I don't take their behavior personally.
But people NOT in recovery, I end up acting the exact opposite with.
It's rather ridiculous.
It's like I forget... (big surprise there) I forget that they are just as human, just as broken and probably hurting too, just like me. And they aren't in recovery. They have no solution or even a clue on how to fix their brokenness.
So "let it begin with me" is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. I needed the reminder that I should be taking right actions. I need to pray for compassion and acceptance. Above all things I must, MUST conduct myself with dignity and grace. What kind of person do I want to be today?
The behavior I have been displaying is unacceptable. I am NOT anyone's judge, jury or executioner. I have NO right to punish anyone and it is NOT my job to hold them accountable.
The other thing I needed to remember is that, no matter what has been done to me, or I perceive has been done to me, is not a justification for my own bad behavior. I have no right... absolutely no right to harm others NO MATTER WHAT!
Another lesson in the 3 A's.
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
I am aware of my behavior. I have been for some time now. But I must move towards accepting that I'm out of my freaking mind again. Accept that the situation is what it is and is NOT going to be different, no matter how many minutes throughout a 24 hour period, I wish it to be.
Also accept that God's plan for me and others, is far better than any plan I could come up with myself.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
And let's not forget my favorite and most hated slogan: When someone else is my problem, my problem is me.
I'm so close to finding complete acceptance. It's hard and I don't want to let go. But I will. I've been given no other choice and God has already done for me what I could not do for myself.
Now comes the action.... Let it begin with me.
It's up to me to change my behavior. Up to me to change my responses and stop jumping in the storm.
Just for today I will pray and ask God for help to be the person he wants me to be.
This is resonant. I think we could all learn from what you've said here, 12-step or not. I know when I'm a freakshow in reaction to something, it's been of my choosing. Why the fuck is that my automatic response? Yeah, the path of most resistance. Good one. *deep breath* Thank you for this post.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I could have wrote this tonight. I am so tired of being angry with others for my own frustrations. You are right, it is never acceptable to have harsh behavior even if we are angry, it just does not justify it. I am praying for my acceptance as well. Awesome post.
ReplyDeletewell...Good for you girl! Because I have an arsenal of knuckle sandwiches at your disposal if you need them...:) Love you!
ReplyDeleteGirl I know you have been through the wringer I have been popping in and out, but life kept me from responding. I am in an awful place right now and your words helped shake me up a little. Nobody's gonna fix it for me...I gotta fix it. It's broke. And if I can't fix it, at least I know I tried.
ReplyDeleteIt is always up to ourselves how we react to any situation. It is one way we are defined, and this more than anything decides how our life goes and how we view the life we have. Keep on truckin'.
ReplyDeleteI think that it is so hard to; Let Go Let God~
ReplyDeleteAlong with Acceptance & Awareness. All words I do not like. The only person I can change is myself. For the people who do not have an outlet like we do. They are the same as the person to my right or my left. One thing, I have heard over & over again is "you think you're better than me because you're in recovery." No, far be me to judge another. I so needed to read this. I have had my fist up lately towards anyone in my direction. For many reasons. So I broke & cried today, my spouse asked "why are you crying?" usually I would lash out most times I break down he pushes me to the side, saying get over it. Today his voice was sincere, with real concern. I will admit the past 4mnths have been hard due to having vertigo & depending on others to help me. I haven't been the easiest to deal with especially when I want to do everything & do it my way.. But that does not give me any excuse to lash out.
When I could focus, all I could get out is it's hard being a Mom. Anger has only ever led me to bad things. I have been full of anger lately, & not being able to get out & drive has been hard. Accepting that my son is finding himself & is pulling away a bit is hard. I am his Mom & he is my only one, he isn't up to par, feeling well. I have to Trust in God that my son will take all he has learned from his parent & along with growing up in recovery with him, when he is making his own choices. He is an amazing young man. Truly we were talking not that long ago how he has not ever been in trouble. I am Blessed. I have to take care of me. Give it to God. My old thinking wants me to think I am doing something wrong. God has a plan. I have a tool box. Plus anger just adds more wrinkles & is wasted energy over what I have no control over. Thanks Sweetie~ You get what you need when you least expect it...
I loved your post. It is exactly what I am trying to learn. Good for you for seeing that part of yourself and I hope to be in that position someday. My thinking wants to take everything personal and run with it and then react and I am learning to act instead. It is all so confusing and different then anything I have done thru out my life. I know it needs to begin with me,,,,,love, acceptance and understanding but I want to stamp my foot and say "no fair" he/she did it first or he/she was mean to me,,,,,so childlike,,,,,,its hard to grow up but I am determined too. No matter what, I am still a little bug attracted to your light! hugs susan
ReplyDeleteIsn't God awesome!?! I was at the right place today. My antagonistic behavior slapped me right in the face. Thanks to the chairperson for bringing the Awareness into my thoughts. And to you for bringing me through Acceptance of my actions. Now I need to pray for God's guidance for the next right Action. Thankfully, I have a program to help me clean up my mess! Peace & Blessings to you. Kathy H. (didn't know how to share my name other than anonymous...not computer savy)!
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