Today

In memory of Josh and Jacob.
I miss you both.

When I woke up and rolled over in bed this morning, I did what I usually do: checked my phone for messages and then checked my Twitter. The first thing I read was that Amy Winehouse had died. The cause is as yet undetermined, but Amy had a history of alcohol and drug abuse. Most likely, she overdosed.

I’m disturbed today because the next thing I saw on my Twitter time-line was people talking about how Amy had a choice, or that she was selfish. That she had no regard for her family or fans. Let me tell you, this disease is very selfish, that is true, and alcoholics and addicts appear to be very selfish as they continue to use and drink to the point of self-destruction.

Tell me, do you really believe that someone has a choice? Do you really believe when Amy was a little girl she said, “When I grow up I want to be a drug addict and alcoholic”? Do you really believe any alcoholics or addicts set out to become what they are? Of course not. No one would choose that life. It seems so simple to those of us who maybe used drugs recreationally when we were younger or can have one or two drinks and then walk away. Why is it so hard for others who seem to have a problem?

For an alcoholic mind, there is no choice in the matter, folks.

Now, I am not writing this to talk about Amy… I didn’t know her, obviously. I’m writing to share with you my experience with drug addiction and alcoholism. My condolences go out to Amy’s family and friends. I, too, know what it’s like to lose someone to this horrible disease.

In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous there is a chapter that speaks to the insidious disease of alcoholism. It is a disease. It is NOT a choice. Please read it: http://silkworth.net/bb/doctorsopinion.html.

In fact, buy a copy of the book and read the whole thing. If you think you have a problem with alcohol or drugs, it may help you. If you love an alcoholic or addict, it may help you, too. If you are just a person who wants to understand the disease, it will change your view.

This amazing book was written in the late thirties. The founders of Alcoholics Anonymous had to have been touched by the hand of God. They created this amazing program that has saved countless lives. That program birthed the next in line: Al-Anon. Hundreds of programs followed after these two, all of them based on the core principals of AA.

I have known and loved many alcoholics and addicts. My father is an addict/alcoholic. I watched him get clean and sober, as well as relapse, many times. Today he is sober. I watched both of my husband’s cousins, Josh and Jacob, die from their addictions to heroin. I loved them both. My husband has a long history of alcoholics and addicts in his family. In addition to Josh and Jacob, I have lost at least two other friends to drug overdoses. This is a very real and very horrible disease and it takes lives. Society only pays attention when it happens to be a celebrity.

The sad fact is addicts/alcoholics die every day. Some find recovery every day too.

But, what of the families? How does all this affect them? There is always much focus on the actual drunk or addict isn’t there? Always much talk about what they should or should not be doing. And then of course those people who share their opinions of said addicts/drunks, that most likely have no idea what it’s like, or worse, they do, and they themselves have never sought help.

Let me tell you, I am a crazy, CRAZY alanon. I grew up in this disease. I call myself an “alanon” like you would call an alcoholic a “drunk,” etc. What I have come to learn is that it’s a family disease. My father was not home a lot, and though he used drugs and drank regularly, he didn’t do it at home. He was, however, very grumpy, and also violent. My mother’s first husband was a violent alcoholic. She had two children with him, and after divorcing him she met my father and had me.

My mother was very focused on my father. Always trying to control, to get him to “behave” and do whatever it was she needed or wanted him to do. She worked a lot out of necessity and was angry a good majority of the time. She had bouts of depression my entire life and took most all her frustration out on my two siblings and me.

Don’t get me wrong, my father was a bastard, but he was also predictable. My mother was a damn roller-coaster ride. You never knew what sort of mood she would be in or what might set her off. I suffered more damage at the hands of my mother than I ever did from my father. And although my siblings grew up in the same home as I did, their experience was different than mine. They may feel as though they suffered more at my father’s hands than my mothers. I can’t share their story, it’s theirs.

My father got sober for the first time in the early eighties. My mother took me to Alateen and she went to Al-Anon. Al-Anon uses the same steps and principles as AA. Like AA, it works, but you have to work it. You have to have a willingness and capacity to be honest. You have to be willing to see your part. Mostly, you have to be ready. My mother never seemed to really grasp the principles of the program. She was still very caught up in my father and blamed him for everything. In her mind, it was all his fault and there was nothing wrong with her. She couldn’t see her part.

I learned about alcoholism and addiction at an early age because of Alateen. I learned it was a disease and that I didn’t cause it, I couldn’t cure it, and I couldn’t control it. I was not cured though, and I still went on to make many mistakes as a young adult and still continue to work on myself today. Growing up in the family disease warped me. I had and still have distorted thinking, and as a result, I made and make poor choices. I still have a laundry list of things I try to control. It just is what it is.

I had a son at the age of nineteen and I was not a good mother for a long time. My son is now twenty and let me tell you, he has never lived with active alcoholism or drug addiction. He is pretty screwed up and he has only ever lived with me. ME!

My two youngest children, ages eight and seven, have never lived in active alcoholism, and though for the majority of their lives I have been in active Al-Anon recovery, they are not immune to this disease. Any of them can become either an alcoholic/addict or an alanon. Maybe even both. There are no guarantees. It’s a family disease and it spreads through generations. It’s cunning, baffling, and powerful. It manifests itself in many ways. Gambling, sex, food (over-eating or anorexia), controlling, worrying, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc.

The list goes on and on. It doesn’t just show up as alcoholism or drug addiction, and I’ll tell you something else: I believe whole heartedly that the non-drinkers spread this just as rapidly, if not more so, than the drinkers themselves. This is my opinion and many of you will not agree. I’m okay with that.

My mother was out of her mind. She was consumed with my father and trying to control him, and as a result, she neglected us kids. She took her frustrations out on us. She did just as much damage as he did. I chased around plenty of alcoholics when my son was young. I was always consumed with a “him” and I neglected my son. I took out my frustrations on my son. I did plenty of damage. Again, no alcoholic present in his life.

If my son ends up being an alcoholic/addict or even an alanon like me, is it the family disease or did I play a part? I believe it’s both. The same goes for my younger children. I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I sure as hell can’t control it, but I play a part in it.

I hated my mother for years because I felt that she never took ownership of her part. I believed that, although she attended Al-Anon meetings for years, she chose not to get better. She CHOSE!

Now, doesn’t that sound awfully like what people say about addicts and alcoholics? It does, doesn’t it?

I had buckets of compassion for the alcoholics and drug addicts in my life. I even had it for the newcomers in Al-Anon, but I had none for my mother. In my mind, she should have known better. She should have been able to be honest about her part, her wrong doings, and contribution to the insanity in our home. I struggled with this prior to entering recovery and for a very long time after. Then a miracle happened. One day a friend said something to me that completely changed my thinking. She said that maybe my mother was never meant to find recovery. Maybe she wasn’t supposed to so that I could. Whoa!

In that moment, everything changed for me. I couldn’t really blame my mother, then, could I? If she was never meant to recover, then that means that she didn’t have a choice. I’ll say it again: She didn’t have a choice.

Was it God talking through my friend? I believe that it was, but who knows? All I know is in that moment I saw my mother differently, and because of that I was able to love her again. I was able to be a good daughter and stop treating her so poorly. I was also able to make amends to her verbally as well as through changing my actions. I was able to see my part.

My mother is still a crazy untreated alanon and she is also very sick with Parkinson’s disease, but I love her today. I don’t always like her, but I love her. That is recovery.

Some alcoholics and addicts never recover. Some die and some just exist. It is not a choice. It’s between that person and their God. Some have to die so others can recover.

Alanons die too. No one realizes it. We don’t see headlines in the paper about the woman who ran a red light and killed herself and two other people. Was she driving blind with fury, chasing after an alcoholic child or spouse? Was she so caught up in her own thoughts that she wasn’t paying attention? We’ll never know, because it’s not talked about. Hell, it’s not even recognized. It goes unnoticed because we are all so focused on the alcoholic and addict. WE: The children, the spouses, the friends, WE get sick too. Sometimes we even get sicker than the alcoholic/addict. I know I did.

Today I work a twelve step program known as Al-Anon. I go to at least two meetings a week. I have a sponsor; I call her every week at a designated time. I sponsor other women; they call me at designated times every week. I pray on my knees to a power greater than myself, whom I choose to call God. I take commitments in my meetings. I work the 12 steps as they are laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I do these six things because I want to and need to. I do them because I want to own my part and I want to recover.

I study the Big Book, and everywhere in the first 164 pages where it references the “alcoholic” I change it in my mind to “alanon” and everywhere it references “drink” or “drinking,” I change it to “control” or “controlling.” When I do this, every damn word of that book applies to me.

I will never graduate and never be perfectly healed. I will, however, get a daily reprieve from my insanity, contingent on my spiritual maintenance.

Bill W., the author of the AA Big Book, wrote it for the sick and suffering alcoholic, but he also wrote it for their families and friends. It’s a design for living and it works for me.

The book applies to life. I suggest you read it. It may just save your life. It saved mine.

Much love to you all.
WookiesGirl

Bridging the Gap Recovery Retreat Weekend 2011

A little history for you:

Bridging the Gap... A weekend retreat for Alcoholic and Al-Anon women in recovery.

This year marked the 17th, held in the mountains of Prescott, Arizona. This same type of retreat, although called different names, is held all over this country, as well as Europe. It was started by a small group of women in the first groups of Al-Anon in Texas over 30 years ago.

Things like this were not done then. The wives (and yes, at that time they were mostly wives) of recovering alcoholics didn't associate with the women of Alcoholics Anonymous. Marci W. from Texas decided it would be a great idea to start a retreat weekend conference for Al-Anon. While she was at it, she also decided to invite the recovering alcoholic women to attend as well. Prior to that, the AA women and the Al-Anon women did not mingle. That legacy has been passed down and around this country for, as I said, over 30 years.

My sponsorship line descends from that great woman. I can trace my Al-Anon family tree straight back to Marci. She was a member of Al-Anon before there even was anything known as Al-Anon in Texas.

This retreat is a safe place. It allows Al-Anon and AA women to come together and grow in their recovery. We bridge the gap between us and find safety and love together in recovery.

******

Every time I go on a weekend retreat, or attend a special 12 step recovery event, I blog about it. I have a desire to share my journey with you. I love to write and my recovery blog is a wonderful way to let you see my recovery; the good and the bad parts of it.

This is my fifth year attending this weekend conference. We refer to it as a retreat because we seclude ourselves up in the mountains at a specific church camp. We’re not there for church, we are there for AA and Al-Anon recovery. And, though it is not church, God is present. He’s surrounding all of us the entire time we are there. I feel Him everywhere, and he touches me through the women that are there for those three short days.

The theme of this year’s retreat was:
“…our pick struck gold. Joy at our release from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds.” AA Big book, pages 128-129

The first thing I want to tell you is that, for the first time in two years, I did not dread heading up to this conference. The last several events and conferences I attended, I grumbled the entire time and absolutely did not want to be there. This year was different. Needless to say, I am quite glad for that. I was just mellow. I packed and then I got in the car. One of the women I sponsor and my best friend were with me. It’s a tradition that my best friend and I drive together and we’re typically joined at the hip all weekend at these things. Two peas in a pod and I love it. We were friends before she entered the rooms of Al-Anon and I am forever grateful that she did. It’s like having the best of both worlds. She’s a gift from God for me.

So, what did I learn this weekend? Per usual, a lot. We’re told the first night to listen for a word or phrase that keeps coming up for us through the weekend. This year it was a phrase and, just like last year, it was on Friday night. Again, like last year, it was something the AA guest speaker said. She was sharing about doing her first 5th step with her sponsor; this was early in her recovery, over 20 years ago.

The 4th step is: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
The 5th step is: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
This means you read the inventory to someone you trust, usually your sponsor.

This woman is amazing. I’d not met her before or heard her story but I could relate to many things she said. She shared with us how she had read that inventory to her sponsor and there were so many ugly things that she had done during her drinking. Naturally, she felt a lot of shame about those things. Her sponsor said to her, “You are not what you did. And you did the best that you could at the time without God’s help.”

When those words came out of her mouth, as she stood at the podium in the front of the room, she may as well have been talking directly to me. I heard her…really heard her.

I am not what I did. Or what I have done. I did the best I could without God’s help. Now, the difference is, for the years that I have been in Al-Anon recovery, I have had God’s help. But, sometimes, even while in recovery, we still do things we are not proud of, or feel shame over. I have always had God’s help…when I asked for it.

The last two years, I was not asking for God’s help. Instead, I was running on complete and total self-will.

Wow! This was profound for me. I have to tell you, I think shame is a useless emotion. It does nothing but feed misery and guilt and ugliness inside. I have only felt shame one other time during my journey of recovery and, here I was feeling shame again. And, I didn’t even realize that I was feeling it. One more time, I am reminded that this disease, my disease, alanonism, is cunning, baffling and powerful.

I carried this message from her through the whole weekend. I cried and I laughed and I let those women fill me up. I also let God fill me up. And I felt whole again. Another thing I heard that same speaker say was: “God doesn’t teach me lessons, life teaches me lessons and God gives me the strength and the courage to get through it. If… I call on him."

I got the privilege to sit and talk to two other women that I know in program, but never had a chance to get to know one on one. One of those women I’ve heard speak and tell her story at an anniversary event almost a year ago and I’d written about her in this blog. It was cool to be able to share that with her and then read it to her. Amazing.

I got to see my newest sponsee experience the power of this weekend and watch that power fill her up completely. What a blessing and an honor to be a part of her life.

I got to go to sleep next to my best friend each night and, before we closed our eyes, talk about what we had experienced that day. We also giggled to the point of exhaustion. Another blessing.

I don’t have to do any of these things. I get to do them. I get to experience this.

Here are a few more gems that stuck out for me this weekend. Some were funny and some were very serious and profound for me.

“If you can’t laugh at yourself, then you’ve missed the joke of the century.” This made me laugh, and laugh hard.

“There is nothing that consumes a person more than the passion of a resentment.” Wow, yeah, that one was a great reminder.

“We cease fighting anything or anyone. “ AA big book

“You never need to defend yourself. If you are wrong, then you have no defense. If you are right, you have nothing to defend.” I needed this reminder, too.

My great, great, grand-sponsor shared something that she had heard a late, long time member of AA say years ago. “A big old fish was swimming along in the ocean, and he swims by three young fish and says: 'Hey, boys. How’s the water?' And then continues on past them. The young fish all turn to each other and say: 'What’s water?' They then spend the rest of their fish lives swimming around the ocean, looking for the water."

I have heard her tell this story before, but this year she added something. She said: “It’s the same for us right here in this room, in regards to God. He’s all around us; we’re already swimming in Him and His love. And many times we don’t see it and we keep searching for it. We don’t realize it’s already here. We’re already surrounded by it."

I always thought I understood what that little story was saying, but I realized in that moment I didn’t. Now I know what it means. God is all around us, and yes, sometimes we believe that he wasn’t there through the hard times or the horrible things that we went through, growing up or living as adults, in this disease. He was there and He is there now. All we have to do is invite him in. The late Pat C., a member of Al-Anon for over 30+ years, said it many times. “God is a gentleman and he waits for you to invite him in.”

Today, I’ve invited God back into my life and I’ve asked him for help. The release of my pain, my fears, and my anger is profound as a result.

I am not what I did or what I have done. It is not who I am. It does not define me. And my God loves me no matter what I did or have done.

He loves me and He forgives me. Clearly my pick struck gold and continues to strike it.

Much love and blessings to you all!

Wookies Girl

Acceptance

Lately, I’ve been struggling with acceptance.

Over the years of my recovery, there have been times that I’ve had no trouble accepting things in my life as they are. Sometimes, though, a situation slaps me upside the head and, no matter what I do, I cannot get into a place of acceptance. Why is that?

There are several reasons why this happens to me, but the main one is fear. Fear of losing what I have, or fear of not getting what I want.

What if?
What if I accept the situation as it is and it stays this way forever? The situation looks nothing like I want it to look, quite opposite in fact, so what if it stays this way? And so goes the struggle.

I fight, kick, scream, cry, beg and then scream some more. "No, no, NO! This can’t be the way it is. It just can’t be."

The Acceptance prayer in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous taught me that everything happens for a reason. This is what I believe. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake, so then why? Why is this happening? Is it the will of others or is it God’s will? What about what I want? What about how I feel?

What about me?

It’s always about me, at least I believe it is. I’ve learned this truth about myself long ago. I want what I want when I want it. I am selfish and self-centered.

I don’t want to accept things as they are because I don’t want them to be as they are.

Here is the prayer that I pray (read) almost every day. You can find it in the AA Big Book on page 449 of the 3rd edition and on page 417 in the 4th edition.

** For the Al-Anon’s, I’ve tweaked it just a bit. If you do this little trick with the entire Big Book of AA, you will see yourself in the pages and not just the alcoholic. Bill Wilson and the co-founders of AA knew what they were doing when they wrote this book and it applies to everyone, no matter what your “issue” may be.

Acceptance Prayer

God, acceptance is that answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I can accept my Alcoholism (Alanonism), I cannot stay Sober (Sane); unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitude.


I’ve experienced the freedom of acceptance many times in my life. I know that reaching a place of acceptance does not mean that I am suddenly okay with the situation or that I am excusing it in some way. It simply means that I now realize there is nothing I can do about it. I’ve accepted that I am powerless and nothing I can do will change what’s happening. I don’t have to like it.

When I am in a place of acceptance, I am free to live. Free to breathe. God has a plan, and though I may not know what it is, I do trust in him.

When I am not in acceptance then I suffer. Right now I am suffering.

I’m desperate to feel the peace that will come from finding acceptance, but I am also desperate to hold on as tightly as I can in hopes that the situation will change. This is insanity. I know it. But…what if?

For now I will pray for willingness and I’ll say the acceptance prayer and eventually it will come. But it will only come when I am ready.

Good thing my God is patient.

Factory Reset

Today I went to the annual anniversary celebration for my Al-Anon home group. What's a home group? Well... It's a meeting that you commit to attend weekly, participate in service work at and generally stick around so people get to know you. I highly suggest you get one.. It's a good idea for everyone in recovery. When people get to know you, they notice when you don't show up. They also know, simply by taking one look at you, when something is wrong.

Anyway.
Today was the anniversary of that meeting, as well as the AA and Alateen meetings that are held at the same time at the same location. It's a family recovery thing.
I believe this meeting has been in existence for over ten years. I should know this, but I can't remember the exact date...

At the anniversary they provide dinner. They have 3 speakers: AA, Al-Anon and Alateen and they do an auction as well as a 50/50 raffle. (The auction and 50/50 raise funds to pay for the event the following year.)
We actually won the 50/50.. Awesome!

I want to share what I heard today from the AA and Al-Anon speakers. They always invite a married couple to speak because, it's an example of active family recovery.

The Al-Anon speaker (the husband) said something that caught my attention.

He said that the other day he was in his laundry room, he has one of those nice front loader washers... Anyway, he said he noticed the wash was spinning, going a million miles an hour of course, and as a result the clothes were all pushed to the outside.

In that brief moment of watching the washer, it made him think..."This is how my life was, this is how I lived my life." Spinning a million miles an hour and pushing every feeling, every moment and every person in his life, to the outside.

Now, as an Al-Anon, I can say that I have done this, and still do it...sometimes daily! It's not intentional, I can assure of you that. It happens though.

It's as a result of my selfish and self-centered thinking. I just move forward, doing as I please. Never thinking about who I am pushing away or harming with my actions. I want what I want, when I want it! Either come along for the ride or get the hell out of the way.
Truly this is not a conscious thought, when I look at my actions though, I can see my truth.

For those Al-Anon's that believe you are NOT selfish.. Try reading the Big Book of AA. Where ever it says "Drinking" or "Alcoholic" substitute the words "Controlling" or "Al-Anon" and see if it doesn't apply to you.
I think you'll see it does.

Moving on to the AA speaker. (his wife) I have to say what she said near the end of her story was profound to me... I literally laughed out loud and grabbed for the notebook I keep in my purse. I needed to write it down.

She was talking about her own selfish, self-centered behavior. (A common theme for me lately)

She said that she has a "Factory Reset" in her mind. That she gets up in the morning, prays, goes on about her day, works with other alcoholics, completes her day, prays and sleeps. At some point throughout the night her settings reset and she goes back to her selfish and self-centered self... She wakes up that same old selfish person!

The good news is, she prays first thing again. She asks God for help to stay sober and for freedom from self... and goes on about her day.

This resonated so much with me.

A while back I had realized something similar. I am NOT a naturally happy person. Truly when I wake up each morning, I have a scowl on my face. It isn't my natural state of being to be happy. I have to work at it.
I have to ask God to help me be what he wants me to be. I have to work with my sponsee's. I have to attend meetings and talk to my sponsor regularly.

My spiritual sandpaper is ALWAYS happy. In the past I envied her because I really wanted to be that way. I mentioned this at the time, to my Great Grand-sponsor Corinne. Corinne said: "Some of us are just not built that way. For those of us that aren't, we strive for...moments of happiness."

That worked for me. I didn't have to TRY to be happy all the time. It took the pressure off, that's for sure.

I loved hearing the "factory reset" comment. It's "truth" for me. I'm selfish and self-centered as well as grumpy. Knowing my truth is a blessing, not a curse. If I know my truth, then I can do something about it.

So today, one more time... I'll pray for God's will for me and look for the happy moments. I'll also pray for continued awareness of my truth. I do not wish to do harm to others.

I do not want to be a selfish person. Only God can save me from this...and I know if I take the right actions and continue to be teachable, then today...today I can be better.

Resentment Prayer

Do you know what the Resentment Prayer is?

Most men or women in AA, if they have read the stories in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, know what it is. Unfortunately, many Al-Anon's are not familiar with it, unless they too have read the book.

I want to tell you about this little gem. It's an amazing tool. It works...How do I know? Because I've used it MANY times over the years in my recovery.

You see, what I've been taught, what I've learned... is that Resentment is the number one offender.
If I am carrying a resentment it begins to spread through me like a slow growing disease. The longer I hold on to it, the sicker I get. Resentment can even mean death for some in recovery.

Alcoholics have lost days and even years of sobriety over a resentment. Al-Anon's will destroy all things around them over a resentment, including themselves. We tend to not hear about Al-Anon's dying from the family disease of alcoholism, but it happens everyday. Alcoholics when drinking and sometimes even when sober are running in full flight from reality and Al-Anon's are CHASING THEM... Tell me... Who's crazier? ...I rest my case. I'm an Al-Anon.. I know how crazy I am.

The Resentment prayer is located at the end of a personal story in the back of the Big Book. The story is titled "Freedom from Bondage"

I have the 3rd edition of the AA big book. In my edition this tool is located on page 552. I believe it's the same in the 4th edition as well.

The story talks about one woman's struggle with her alcoholism and then goes on to tell about her recovery. But she also discusses her resentments. She tells how she stumbled across an article written by a prominent clergyman that talked about Resentment.

I will quote here what she read in that article:
"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

Now some of you may be thinking... WOW How can I do that? Well I'm telling you that you can. I've done it and every time I do it.. It works. There are also times when I don't want to do it... When I'm not willing. When this happens I pray for willingness. When that comes I begin praying the prayer as instructed above.

Right now I have MANY resentments I've been holding on to. Resentments are like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. All it does it harm me. I know this... yet I hold on to them. My sponsor recently directed me to pray the resentment prayer for a few people.
I've not done it yet.

Why?

I'm still holding on. Part of me has curled up with my resentments and I'm holding on to them like armor. Another part of me is holding out hope that something will change.
But deep inside my soul I know that it won't.

So I'm in this place where I need to pray for Willingness. I know that when I do this, the Willingness will come as it always does and I will hit my knees and pray this prayer. I will pray for those people. I will wish for them all the wonderful things I want for myself.
And when I am done... I will mean it.

Then I'll be free.