Recovery in Flagstaff

I attended another Alanon recovery retreat this past weekend. This one was much smaller than the normal ones I attend. Only eleven woman including me.

I have been reluctant to attend the last several weekends... But I go anyway. I go because I know I will hear and learn what I need to.

We started Friday night discussing the 12 steps. For those that don't know what those are... Here is a link:
Al-Anon 12 steps

We were discussing the principles associated with each step, as well as the opposite of that principle. Here they are in order:

Step 1) Honesty............................Dis-honesty
Step 2) Hope.................................Despair
Step 3) Action...............................Lethargy
Step 4) Courage........................... Fear
Step 5) Integrity...........................Deceit
Step 6) Acceptance.......................Denial
Step 7) Humility...........................Pride
Step 8) Brotherly love..................Hate
Step 9) Self discipline................... Self-will run riot
Step 10) Perseverance..................Procrastination
Step 11) Spiritual awareness........Being in a cocoon
Step 12) Service............................Hoarding


I realized when the group leader was reading them out loud that at one time or another since this past June I could identify with every single one of those negative/opposites.
This year I seem to have fallen off the beam.. This means basically I am not in line with my recovery. I no longer feel connected to my higher power, who I choose to call God. I no longer want to stay in my seat that has been so freely given to me.
Don't get me wrong. I don't think I am cured by any stretch of the imagination. I simply have no desire to work on what's wrong.
Some big changes happened this year in my marriage. Basically, without all the gory details ... it fell apart. Since then a whole host of other things have occurred.
My mother came to stay for 4 months. That was incredibly hard. She is very very sick with Parkinson's Disease combined with dementia and confusion. She is difficult to care for and she is very verbally abusive at times. Shortly after she left and literally 3 days before Christmas we lost our cousin, Jacob, to a drug overdose. This was horrible. I cannot even begin to describe this loss to you. I miss him terribly.
I have had some amazing people enter my life that I became very close to and then I have watched those same people drift out of my life as if we were never friends. All the while my husband and I fight and find resolution and fight again and then find resolution... 2009 to 2010 has simply sucked...

What is my basic malfunction? Why can I not get back on the beam? Why do I fight to stay in what seems like turmoil?
Simply put: I am restless, irritable and discontent.

My writer friends would say that from this mood comes great writing! Yes? Would you agree?

That is the one positive thing that I have done since August of last year. I started writing. Poetry has poured out of me... at first only spurred on by the things happening around me, then growing and changing into me finding my muse, which takes on many forms at times. I learned how to channel my muse... How to take one line someone says or a song and build a poem from it. How to write a poem for someone else who is struggling with something in their life. I pull the emotions from deep inside me... Love, hate, lust, anger, desperation.. You name it and it all comes...
Is this why I am walking through this? So I can learn how to write? That can't be it... But who knows? I do believe that only God knows. He see's the purpose in all of this struggle.

What I learned AGAIN this weekend is that I have problems.. LOL Really???
No seriously.. I have trouble with Acceptance and I have trouble with Expectations... They are like a nasty rash that just wont go away!

Acceptance is difficult for me when there has been change... and no I am not talking about the wall color or the furniture... I am talking about CHANGE.. like someone in my life suddenly starts behaving differently, or someone in my life is no longer in my life... Big fat changes that no matter how many bites I take, I can't seem to get the whole thing down my throat.
Most people have trouble with Change.. Its a normal thing.
But let me explain. I am an "Alanon" I DO NOT LIKE IT AT ALL! I DO NOT DEAL WITH IT WELL AT ALL!
So my reaction is not typical... I fight, I kick, I scream, I cry, I make YOU miserable until YOU do what I want you to do.

See?? This is a problem.

Then the thing I am struggling with becomes this elephant in the room.. Or the Gorilla or the Zombie or the Dragon.. Whatever you want to call it. It's a PROBLEM, a big problem. Eventually it becomes so big that it takes over everything and soon it becomes all I can see.

I was sitting there at the retreat thinking.. Ya know... A ten minute warning would REALLY be good. If I could just get a ten minute warning that major change is about to occur I might be able to handle it better. In that moment that idea sounded completely logical to me.
THEN...
I laughed at myself and said my good idea out-loud to the group. See I HAD to say that stuff out loud.
WHY?
Well, because in my magic mind, that crap sounded completely rational and reasonable.. and I have learned enough to know that my mind lies to me. I believe the stories I tell myself and if I just say them out loud to someone else in recovery... a miracle happens.
I get it up and out... and I get to hear how incredibly insane I am. BONUS!

The very idea that I had in my head... that I should have a ten minute warning before change occurs is INSANE!

What my recovery has taught me is that there is a better way.

In regards to the Elephant in the room, aka the problem...If it's a really BIG ELEPHANT or GORILLA, the shit REALLY begins to pile up. Then you end up with a huge mess on your hands.
The best thing to do is name it... Shine the light on it. Once you have named the problem and accept it as part of life, then and only then, can you move forward. You have to state your truth and then own your truth. Get it up and out! For God Sake.. stop tip toeing around the elephant and the shit piles.
This is called Acceptance.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When someone else is my problem... my problem is me. My two most hated and favorite sayings in recovery.
They make the most sense to me.

I feel like I may be ready to step out of the pile of shit I have been sitting in. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
We'll see what happens. With God, all things are possible and I know.. I truly know, that He is carrying me.
He won't drop me on my ass.

Love to you all!
WookiesGirl