My Retreat Weekend

I wanted to share the big ticket items that stuck out to me this past weekend while attending my retreat. 12 step recovery is a process, a long one.
We aren't bad people, we're just sick people trying to get well.

One of the study leaders, who has 20+yrs in recovery, talked about the distorted thinking that goes on inside our heads.
I learned long ago that my mind is a dangerous place to go after hours. Hence the title of my blog "Magical Magnifying Mind" It's a BAD neighborhood. LOL

My thinking has been so distorted at times that I can no longer tell what's true and what's false.

The leader mentioned something along the lines of: The information in my head, the story I tell myself sounds absolutely correct.

This struck me because I can rationalize anything until it sounds valid and true.
Before recovery of course I had NO IDEA that I was doing this.

Because I am affected by the family disease of alcoholism and my thinking is distorted there is no clear way for my actions to carry out the "absolute correct" story that I have told myself in my head.

My intentions are ALWAYS good. My actions, not always.
What happens is I try and try to force a solution, to manipulate the situation or people around me to be what I think they need to be.

A lot of this behavior is based on old idea's in my head. This brings me to another thing I heard this weekend.
Old idea's are not old if I am still using them today. My thinking is "ILL"ogical and it all becomes useless and out of date junk.
This I heard VERY clearly.

One more time I must take responsibility for my part, for my actions.

I must clear away this old junk, stop using old ideas.
I must surrender, admit that I don't know what is best for everyone else, let alone myself.
Surrender has been defined for me as " The willingness to get better someone else's way"

The good news is that although this still happens, it happens far less now since I am in recovery. If I am willing to rely on a power greater then myself, whom I choose to call God then all things are possible.
If I am willing to take direction from my sponsor and apply the suggestions she gives me to my daily life then I can begin to be changed.

I will never graduate. This is a life long process. I am okay with that.
Progress not perfection is one of our principles.
Thank God for that.

Self-will run riot!

I'm Hurt. You've hurt me.

I retaliate...

I've closed all the doors, the windows are all locked.

God is no where to be found. I've pushed him away.

I'm running the show, but I am dying inside.

Alone and lonely, full of despair.

The walls begin to close in.

Insanity prevails.

One day at a time

When someone else is my problem, my problem is me.

I hate this saying, despise it really.

It forces me to look directly at my expectations of others.
If you're doing something, or have done something to upset me, then I am the one with the problem.
It means that I have placed unrealistic expectations on you and you my friend have not lived up to them.

I am left feeling hurt, disappointed and resentful.

What now?

I have choices.
I can sit in my shit or I can call someone, reach out, ask for help.

The phone can sometimes feel as though it weighs 10,000 lbs.
At times it may take all my strength just to pick it up, dial a number and ask someone for help.
When I finally do, the results are undeniably beneficial.

One phone call can change my whole perception.
With a few simple words the entire situation changes without anything really changing at all.

How easy it is to want to blame others, to wallow in self pity.
Taking responsibility for my part is usually the better option.
Am I ready?

At this moment I don't know...

What I do know in my heart, is that I can walk through anything.
The God I choose to believe in today will walk with me.

I choose to believe that my God loves me more than anything in the world.
If that's what I need, then he will give it to me.
So I will pray for acceptance and understanding.

I can't see the lesson that this current situation holds for me.
I know it's an opportunity for growth, because I am in pain.
We grow when we're in pain.

One day at a time.

Confusion and Contempt

I recognize nothing around me.

My head is spinning, lost in a sea of despair.
I don't understand and communication is no where to be found.

One more time I am left wondering.
One more time left confused.

Life doesn't have to be this hard does it?

Stumble...

Trip...

Fall...

....On my ass once again!

Expectation and disappointment surround me, a rejected child.
Cast aside, I don't fit in.

Contempt prior to investigation is my crime.
Anger is my friend, conflict is a fear I have yet to face.

I am different from you...Will I ever be considered the same?

The 7 deadly sins

This weekend my 12 step recovery retreat ended with a discussion of how they apply to my character defects and or flaws if that makes you more comfortable.

The 7 Deadly Sins:

Pride
Greed
Anger
Lust
Gluttony
Envy
Sloth

I was asked to examine my most glaring character defects and determine which ones point directly to one of the deadly sins.

My glaring character defects:

Selfish/Self-Centered
Rebellious
Attention Seeking
Flirtatious
Vindictive
A need to be right
Judgmental
Sarcastic
Fear

So out of these I was puzzled. They can point to all of the 7 sins really.
When I tried to identify only one it lead me to another.

What I finally settled on was:
Greed

I want everything, expect everything.
I fear I may lose something I have or wont get something I want.
I become focused on what I want to do at that moment and I neglect basic responsibilities like housework and sometimes large responsibilities like my husband, Kids or Work.

No matter what it all comes back to self... Selfish and self-centered.
This lead me to Greed. I want what I want when I want it...

I lived that way for a long time. Now I work really hard to not think or behave that way. It's not easy and I will never master it or be perfect.
Progress not perfection.

One Moment

I will never have another moment exactly like this one.

In seconds and inches time passes and I move forward.

I can look back but I must not stare. What's happened is gone, never to be again.

Bloom where you are planted I hear you say.

If I stay in today I have choices.
Today is all I have.

Huh?

Where am I? What the hell am I doing?
I seem to have fallen off the beam... AGAIN!

There is a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach that wont go away.
I am restless, irritable and discontent.
I cant stand to be inside my own skin.

I am standing on the outside of a window looking in. I can see everyone inside.
They all seem happy. Why can I not be?

I feel my old familiar friend disappointment.
He is thick in my veins. Drowning my thoughts and clouding my vision.

I am such a great for-getter, but what I forget for a while always returns..
I am reminded one more time
When someone else is my problem, my problem is me.

Damn it... It ALWAYS comes back to me.

It was so much easier when I could just blame it on you...When I believed it was all your fault.
So much easier when I could just say "FUCK YOU" Look what you did to me?
Look how you hurt me? Turn my back, walk away.

But that doesn't work, it never has...It only further isolates me.

Here I am. Sitting in my shit!
I am not ready to climb out of it yet. Its still warm and familiar.
I think I will stay a bit longer.
At least until my fingers get pruney.

Soon enough the willingness will return.
I will stand up, take a shower, get back on the beam and begin again.