A post for Jacob...

Here is a post I wrote for my dear cousin Jacob, who died of a drug overdose a year ago today.

Jacob...A year without him. 12/22/2010

I love you and miss you Jacob.

Reconstruction

Hello everyone.

Last night I celebrated my 6th year in Al-anon. My actual Al-anon birthday is 08/05/2004, but in my home group meeting we celebrate birthdays the 4th Thursday of the month.

We call it a birthday rather than an anniversary because when we enter recovery it's kind of like being reborn.

I was reluctant to celebrate and take my chip last night. This year has been quite difficult. As I've shared in many of the posts before this one, I've been off the beam this year. I've struggled with my recovery. I've struggled with praying. I've been disconnected from the things that have kept me sane in the past.
I didn't want to get up and share last night. I didn't want to talk about my year. I didn't want to reflect, one more time, on this past year. It has been riddled with misery, tears and loneliness. This is not to say that there haven't been good things. There have been. Many good things in fact. Some things I wouldn't change...ever.

In my line of sponsorship, it's tradition that when you celebrate your birthday, your sponsor stands up for you and introduces you. Also, he/she will have picked a word or a phrase that represents or sums up your past year. The word my sponsor chose for me this year was "reconstruction".

Recovery is tedious and sometimes it's downright painful. Since May I've begun this process of reconstruction with my sponsor. We've begun working steps again and she's had me doing many things on a daily basis to get myself back on the beam.
I still struggle and I am still full of self will. I took my chip last night and I shared about my year. I shared about my marriage and the state it is in, I shared about my mother and how long she was here.She came and stayed for 4 months with me. It was extremely stressful. I also shared about losing our cousin Jacob to drug addiction. That was the hardest part. I tried to not to sound negative. There were probably six or more newcomers in the room. I didn't want them to think that life sucks once you get into recovery, because it doesn't. But, we are the makers of our own misery. I am the maker of my own misery.

I did the best I could last night and I came away from that meeting feeling empty inside. I have eleven women that I sponsor and there are days that, I swear, they are the only reasons I stay in recovery. Thank God I have them. Otherwise, I would be long gone.

I came home and felt that knot in my stomach. I felt alone.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up at 6am in more misery; the ache in my chest that I cannot stand. Shortly after I got up I received a text from a woman I know in recovery. She asked me if I would come and tell my story at one of the local rehabs. It's family night and she needed an Al-anon speaker. I said yes, because I've been taught that we never say no. We don't say no because this program is given to us for free and it saves our lives. When asked to give back to help others, we do it.

I went tonight to share my story. The story of my life growing up in this disease, and my story of recovery. I was pleased to see that the room was filled with the men and women enrolled in the rehab as well as their families. BONUS! I love alcoholics and addicts. They are my favorite people in the world, so it was a privilege to be able to share in front of them.

We tell our story in a general way: what happened, what it was like, and what it's like today.

I ran out of time (my story is long), but I did get to share a little bit about Jacob. What I didn't have much time to share about was the misery of this past year. I mentioned it, but only briefly because I was out of time at that point. Honestly, I believe this was a good thing.

I needed to remember why I was in program. I needed to talk about how important program is for me. How it saved my life.

I was also able to tell my truth. My truth is that I am filled with self will. I am selfish to the core and I am broken.

But I also got to share that I am human. When I am in pain or I am obsessing over what I want and how I want things to be, I forget that. I also forget that there are people in my life for a reason. Good or bad, they are there for a reason.
It also reminded me to remember to just love people, especially the people that make me the craziest. It reminded me to take a deep breath, love people, and trust God.

God has a plan for me. He has one for all of us. I just can't see around the corners and I forget to trust that.

I'm grateful today for everything that happens in my life. The good, the bad, and the painful. I am grateful for my mistakes and my defects of character. I am grateful because I know that I can recover. I can get better.

Love and peace.
Wookies Girl

Awareness

Hello friends,

I feel a need to write today. I guess it's due to the mood I am in, although I feel a need to write every day.. LOL

I'm broody... I guess the better word is I feel resigned. Most people in recovery would say, and I would agree, that I am Restless, Irritable and Discontent.

Hmm..
What is my basic trouble?

I've been reflecting a lot in the past several weeks, especially this past week. August 5th was my Al-Anon birthday or anniversary as some like to call it. In my groups we call them Birthdays because from the time you enter program you are reborn.

This year I turned 6.
Hmm, 6 year old's are fun and have started to get some control over their emotions. They are able to be a bit more cooperative where the rules are concerned and are learning how to forge relationships.. (just my opinion and observations of my own kids). Either way being 6 is usually pretty great for most kids. So, what's my deal? I don't feel like I'm having fun yet and I don't feel like life is great.

The other comparison we have for birthday age is looking at which step your year corresponds to. Mine is Step 6: Were in entirely ready to have God remove all of these defects of character.

Uh. Oh. My list of character defects is LONG!
My biggest defects are Selfishness and Expectations
Those two have reared there ugly heads this year more times than I can even count. I can say with definite seriousness that I am not entirely ready for God to remove them either.

This year has been the hardest in my recovery. And I can openly admit it's been my own fault.

Lately when it's quiet my thoughts drift to my actions, my choices and then to my wants. I am selfish... self-centered. I want what I want when I want it... and at times I don't really care who I hurt.
People who are honest with themselves and can truly look at their behavior will get this. They will understand it.

Everyone else? Yeah, they will sneer at me, look down their noses and judge.
But that's okay. I'm good with that. Sneer 'till your heart is content. You'd look away if I weren't so damn entertaining to watch. LOL

So back to my point.. I've been broody and frustrated. Sometimes I am so aware of my wants and therefore faults its overwhelming.
I'm overwhelmed.

Life, work, kids, husband, program, family... The list goes on.. I'm just overwhelmed.

In regards to my selfishness... I have this nagging thought in my head that won't go away.

I don't want to stand in line behind anyone else. There are a few exceptions to this, but truly I want to be the first in line. I want to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that your focus is on me.. and ONLY on me. I want to know and feel that I matter.

See? Ha.. very selfish.

Here is how it goes: When I have an expectation and you don't live up to it.. Which, BTW is usually the case because people are human and they have their own stuff going on, I get upset. I get either angry or hurt. Usually both. It makes me want to lash out or it makes me want to retreat into myself. Build walls around myself so I cant be hurt. Unfortunately God has removed that particular character defect (the building walls one) And I can no longer do that. I've tried.. IT DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE, and that is very frustrating.

So what is my solution?
There is always a solution. I have choices. Some of them are not healthy choices, as I mentioned, and some a very healthy. Why do the unhealthy ones seem so appealing? Well, because they are easier. The softer, easier way is always more appealing.

So I sit and brood.. I am melancholy, I am busy with work, life, family.. etc... as I stumble, trip and fall.
I'm in the hallway and off the beam. Still!
Damn that balance beam called recovery. I keep slipping off and yet... I am the one who keeps greasing my hands and feet.. LOL

Well, at least I can laugh at myself.. those of you out there who can identify.. I know you are laughing too.. Not at me, but with me.

One of these days I'll get it right. I'll be able to have acceptance and love and tolerance and be okay inside my own skin.. no matter what is happening around me.

Take care and thanks for listening.

Wookies Girl

Factory Reset

Today I went to the annual anniversary celebration for my Al-Anon home group. What's a home group? Well... It's a meeting that you commit to attend weekly, participate in service work at and generally stick around so people get to know you. I highly suggest you get one.. It's a good idea for everyone in recovery. When people get to know you, they notice when you don't show up. They also know, simply by taking one look at you, when something is wrong.

Anyway.
Today was the anniversary of that meeting, as well as the AA and Alateen meetings that are held at the same time at the same location. It's a family recovery thing.
I believe this meeting has been in existence for over ten years. I should know this, but I can't remember the exact date...

At the anniversary they provide dinner. They have 3 speakers: AA, Al-Anon and Alateen and they do an auction as well as a 50/50 raffle. (The auction and 50/50 raise funds to pay for the event the following year.)
We actually won the 50/50.. Awesome!

I want to share what I heard today from the AA and Al-Anon speakers. They always invite a married couple to speak because, it's an example of active family recovery.

The Al-Anon speaker (the husband) said something that caught my attention.

He said that the other day he was in his laundry room, he has one of those nice front loader washers... Anyway, he said he noticed the wash was spinning, going a million miles an hour of course, and as a result the clothes were all pushed to the outside.

In that brief moment of watching the washer, it made him think..."This is how my life was, this is how I lived my life." Spinning a million miles an hour and pushing every feeling, every moment and every person in his life, to the outside.

Now, as an Al-Anon, I can say that I have done this, and still do it...sometimes daily! It's not intentional, I can assure of you that. It happens though.

It's as a result of my selfish and self-centered thinking. I just move forward, doing as I please. Never thinking about who I am pushing away or harming with my actions. I want what I want, when I want it! Either come along for the ride or get the hell out of the way.
Truly this is not a conscious thought, when I look at my actions though, I can see my truth.

For those Al-Anon's that believe you are NOT selfish.. Try reading the Big Book of AA. Where ever it says "Drinking" or "Alcoholic" substitute the words "Controlling" or "Al-Anon" and see if it doesn't apply to you.
I think you'll see it does.

Moving on to the AA speaker. (his wife) I have to say what she said near the end of her story was profound to me... I literally laughed out loud and grabbed for the notebook I keep in my purse. I needed to write it down.

She was talking about her own selfish, self-centered behavior. (A common theme for me lately)

She said that she has a "Factory Reset" in her mind. That she gets up in the morning, prays, goes on about her day, works with other alcoholics, completes her day, prays and sleeps. At some point throughout the night her settings reset and she goes back to her selfish and self-centered self... She wakes up that same old selfish person!

The good news is, she prays first thing again. She asks God for help to stay sober and for freedom from self... and goes on about her day.

This resonated so much with me.

A while back I had realized something similar. I am NOT a naturally happy person. Truly when I wake up each morning, I have a scowl on my face. It isn't my natural state of being to be happy. I have to work at it.
I have to ask God to help me be what he wants me to be. I have to work with my sponsee's. I have to attend meetings and talk to my sponsor regularly.

My spiritual sandpaper is ALWAYS happy. In the past I envied her because I really wanted to be that way. I mentioned this at the time, to my Great Grand-sponsor Corinne. Corinne said: "Some of us are just not built that way. For those of us that aren't, we strive for...moments of happiness."

That worked for me. I didn't have to TRY to be happy all the time. It took the pressure off, that's for sure.

I loved hearing the "factory reset" comment. It's "truth" for me. I'm selfish and self-centered as well as grumpy. Knowing my truth is a blessing, not a curse. If I know my truth, then I can do something about it.

So today, one more time... I'll pray for God's will for me and look for the happy moments. I'll also pray for continued awareness of my truth. I do not wish to do harm to others.

I do not want to be a selfish person. Only God can save me from this...and I know if I take the right actions and continue to be teachable, then today...today I can be better.

Resentment Prayer

Do you know what the Resentment Prayer is?

Most men or women in AA, if they have read the stories in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, know what it is. Unfortunately, many Al-Anon's are not familiar with it, unless they too have read the book.

I want to tell you about this little gem. It's an amazing tool. It works...How do I know? Because I've used it MANY times over the years in my recovery.

You see, what I've been taught, what I've learned... is that Resentment is the number one offender.
If I am carrying a resentment it begins to spread through me like a slow growing disease. The longer I hold on to it, the sicker I get. Resentment can even mean death for some in recovery.

Alcoholics have lost days and even years of sobriety over a resentment. Al-Anon's will destroy all things around them over a resentment, including themselves. We tend to not hear about Al-Anon's dying from the family disease of alcoholism, but it happens everyday. Alcoholics when drinking and sometimes even when sober are running in full flight from reality and Al-Anon's are CHASING THEM... Tell me... Who's crazier? ...I rest my case. I'm an Al-Anon.. I know how crazy I am.

The Resentment prayer is located at the end of a personal story in the back of the Big Book. The story is titled "Freedom from Bondage"

I have the 3rd edition of the AA big book. In my edition this tool is located on page 552. I believe it's the same in the 4th edition as well.

The story talks about one woman's struggle with her alcoholism and then goes on to tell about her recovery. But she also discusses her resentments. She tells how she stumbled across an article written by a prominent clergyman that talked about Resentment.

I will quote here what she read in that article:
"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

Now some of you may be thinking... WOW How can I do that? Well I'm telling you that you can. I've done it and every time I do it.. It works. There are also times when I don't want to do it... When I'm not willing. When this happens I pray for willingness. When that comes I begin praying the prayer as instructed above.

Right now I have MANY resentments I've been holding on to. Resentments are like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. All it does it harm me. I know this... yet I hold on to them. My sponsor recently directed me to pray the resentment prayer for a few people.
I've not done it yet.

Why?

I'm still holding on. Part of me has curled up with my resentments and I'm holding on to them like armor. Another part of me is holding out hope that something will change.
But deep inside my soul I know that it won't.

So I'm in this place where I need to pray for Willingness. I know that when I do this, the Willingness will come as it always does and I will hit my knees and pray this prayer. I will pray for those people. I will wish for them all the wonderful things I want for myself.
And when I am done... I will mean it.

Then I'll be free.

Let it begin with me....

Today was a rough day, filled with all sorts of retaliation on my part. In fact the past several weeks have been quite rough.

See...I've been in this fight or flight mode through all of it. Lot's of things have happened and my response has been mostly fight, mostly lash out.
Very little flight.

That's what I do when I'm hurt.. I get angry and come after you. I am not a suicidal Al-Anon. I'm what you would call a homicidal Al-Anon... Now this DOES NOT MEAN I ACTUALLY COMMIT HOMICIDE.. So relax please... LOL
It means I come out fists up... ready to fight.

I went to my meeting tonight as I do every Monday night. The topic was "Let it begin with me"

Now my first thought, and I did say this when it was my turn to share, was... Yeah.. Look out..It'll begin with me and it'll finish with me too!
But...
That's NOT really the intention of this slogan.

What it means is... Let the changes begin with me. Let the healing begin with me. Let the NON-lashing out and NON-retaliation begin with me... Get the point?

The majority of people I surround myself with are NOT in 12 step recovery. That being said, I should expect them to behave differently or to not behave as I expect them to behave. Right?
Logically yes... But in my magical magnifying mind this is not the case. Ya see, the people that I associate with, that ARE in recovery, I tend to give a lot more latitude to. I have much more compassion for them when they screw up or don't do what I expect. I don't get hurt because I know already they are struggling just as I am, they are human just as I am.
I don't take their behavior personally.

But people NOT in recovery, I end up acting the exact opposite with.
It's rather ridiculous.
It's like I forget... (big surprise there) I forget that they are just as human, just as broken and probably hurting too, just like me. And they aren't in recovery. They have no solution or even a clue on how to fix their brokenness.

So "let it begin with me" is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. I needed the reminder that I should be taking right actions. I need to pray for compassion and acceptance. Above all things I must, MUST conduct myself with dignity and grace. What kind of person do I want to be today?
The behavior I have been displaying is unacceptable. I am NOT anyone's judge, jury or executioner. I have NO right to punish anyone and it is NOT my job to hold them accountable.
The other thing I needed to remember is that, no matter what has been done to me, or I perceive has been done to me, is not a justification for my own bad behavior. I have no right... absolutely no right to harm others NO MATTER WHAT!

Another lesson in the 3 A's.
Awareness
Acceptance
Action

I am aware of my behavior. I have been for some time now. But I must move towards accepting that I'm out of my freaking mind again. Accept that the situation is what it is and is NOT going to be different, no matter how many minutes throughout a 24 hour period, I wish it to be.
Also accept that God's plan for me and others, is far better than any plan I could come up with myself.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
And let's not forget my favorite and most hated slogan: When someone else is my problem, my problem is me.

I'm so close to finding complete acceptance. It's hard and I don't want to let go. But I will. I've been given no other choice and God has already done for me what I could not do for myself.
Now comes the action.... Let it begin with me.
It's up to me to change my behavior. Up to me to change my responses and stop jumping in the storm.

Just for today I will pray and ask God for help to be the person he wants me to be.

The Blessing

This is a story, that the late Pat C. who had over 40 yrs in Al-Anon, used to tell. There are also books you can read about this very same thing.

It's called "The Blessing."

At birth every child should receive this blessing.

To be:
Named
Accepted
Revered
Respected
Cherished
To be Loved

Sometimes this doesn't happen. Not because the parents wouldn't, although that certainly can be the case, but because they couldn't. You see, they had not received it themselves. You cannot transmit what you don't have.

This is often the case with families affected by the disease of alcoholism or drug addiction. The parents are unable to give the blessing because, as I mentioned above, they either weren't given it themselves or they couldn't give it because the disease was alive and well in their homes. This is not to say that everyone who is born into the disease never gets the blessing. Some do.. Some still get this gift from one or both of their parents. I have a best friend from high school who grew up in the disease. Her father was a severe alcoholic, but she did get the blessing from her mother. I have to tell you, there were many days when I was a teenager that I wished her mother was mine.

I know that my parents tried to give me the blessing. However, there was insanity in the house I grew up in. Lot's of fighting. Lot's of verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse.
So the blessing that my mother and father tried to give me didn't have a chance at surviving. They did the best they could. My mother got the blessing. My father, however, never got the blessing from his parents. He lost his father at age 1 and his mother didn't want him. By the time he was 3, she had left him and his sister in an orphanage in Florida.

In recovery, we learn that God sends us people to stand in the gap. There are so many women who have given me the blessing. They have loved me unconditionally and because of that, I have learned how to give love unconditionally. I have learned what that feels like and what it looks like.

I stand in the gap for other women in my life as well. There is one particular young woman that God has put in my life currently, that needs a mother. Needs to be loved and cared for. I can be that for her.
When I give of myself in that way, I get paid back ten fold. My heart is filled and I am healed further.

The journey of Recovery is a long one. I trip, stumble and fall a lot, but I know that God's holding me. I will never be perfect. I don't try to be.
If and when I fully recover from my alanonisms, it will be time for God to take me home to him.

Until then, I'll keep practicing.
I'll keep learning lessons.
I'll get back on the beam I fell off of almost a year ago and work on my disease.

I know God's will for me will never take me where God's grace will not protect me.

I've been self-will run riot this last year. That's not a secret.
For today, I've made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him.
It's a process and I get a daily reprieve, contingent upon my spiritual maintenance. I have to make the decision each day. I have to do the footwork and be the vehicle in which God can drive change.

I know Al-Anon and AA works. I have seen it with my own eyes and I have had it work in my own life.
We're not bad people... We're sick people trying to get well.

That's enough for me.

Bridging the Gap Recovery Retreat Weekend 2010

Bridging the Gap..... This is a weekend retreat for Alcoholic and Al-Anon women in recovery.

This year marked the 16th, held in the mountains of Prescott Arizona. This same type of retreat, although called different names, is held all over this country as well as Europe. It was started by a small group of Al-Anon women in the first groups of Al-Anon in Texas over 30 yrs ago.
Things like this were not done then. The Wives (and yes at that time they were mostly wives) of recovering alcoholics didn't associate with the women of Alcoholics Anonymous. Marci W of Texas decided, after talking to an alcoholic woman in recovery, it would be a great idea to start a retreat weekend for Al-Anon. While she was at it she decided to invite the recovering alcoholic women to attend as well. That legacy has been passed down and around this country for, as I said, over 30 years.

My sponsorship line descends from that great woman. I can trace my Al-Anon family tree straight back to Marci. She was a member of Al-Anon before there even was anything known as Al-Anon in Texas.

This retreat is a safe place. It allows Al-Anon and AA women to come together and grow in their recovery.

Every time I attend a retreat I learn something new. Some great.. although most times, painful truth about myself is revealed. This weekend was no different.

I haven't wanted to go to most of the retreats I have attended this year. As I have shared with you in past posts, it's been a hard year for me and I have struggled in my recovery.

I packed my bags on Friday and began that long drive up the mountain with my favorite Al-Anon sisters. Lot's of hemming and hawing.. and let's not forget eye rolling.
But I go.. I go because that is what I've been taught to do. I go because I know... I KNOW with every fiber of my being that I NEED to be there.

Let me first start by saying that when I attended this retreat the first time 4 yrs ago... It changed my recovery, because of that it changed my life.

The theme of this years retreat was:
"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a power greater than ourselves" AA big book pg. 45

So what did I learn at this specific retreat?

LOT'S of things... Needless to say, it was a VERY emotional weekend for me. All my thoughts have not yet jelled but I will do my best to capture what is in my mind for you.

At every retreat they tell you in the beginning to listen for your word or phrase of the weekend. Something that you just keep hearing over and over again.

By Friday night I knew what my word was... It was actually two words

Love and God

This retreat is a series of workshops. 3 are done. But you have choices... they run 2 workshops in parallel and you have to choose which ones you want to attend.

The third was the most profound for me.
"Life is not waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain"

Good grief... My life has certainly been a storm from the summer of 2009 until now. The thing is, the storms come and go... and when they are gone... I become the storm.

Meaning, I am the maker of my own misery... my own insanity.
This, as you can imagine, should be simple to fix right? Ha! Well no, it's really not.

The AA speaker, while telling her story shared with us some crucial things she became aware of over the years of recovery from her alcoholism. She said of course that she had been a willing participant, which is true for all of us in this disease...However she went on to say: "With FULL participation, she took the actions she did... BUT... it was without her permission."

Hmm... With full participation...BUT without her permission.
This made sense to me.. You see, we do things...the choices we sometimes make are things we would NEVER permit to happen normally. Yet, there we are, fully participating in our insanity... I would never normally permit the damn storm and here I am participating in the storm.

This leads me to my two words.. Love and God.

Love is present in my life.
All around me... some misplaced and some not. Some returned and some not. Through all of this, where is God? Where is my willingness? I had shut God out.
I've recently invited him back in and I still feel lost. I still feel tormented in my mind. I want things to be different than they are.
I want what I want..... and I want it now!

I have started praying again. The other night I truly surrendered, one more time, to a power greater than myself who I choose to call God.
BUT....

There is always a 'but' with me...Like everything in life I have to practice or it won't stay. So I turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him and then.. within a minute, an hour or a day later, I take it back... Ah yes.. More insanity... The roller coaster of recovery.

What I heard this weekend was that God comes down and he meets me right where I am, no matter where that is. No matter how far down the hole I have fallen.
For me this is powerful, because there are days where I am in the depths of hell... or at least, I feel like I am.
But God is there. You see, He never, ever turns his back on me.
It's me that turns my back on him.

The late Pat C. said... "God is a gentleman. He waits" He waits for me to invite him in. When I do, he is there, ALWAYS... God shows up.

Although I'm in a better place than I was yesterday... Today, I am nowhere near where I need to be. It seems, sometimes, that I take one step forward and then two steps back.

I have more to write, more to tell you and maybe I'll do that tomorrow.
That's plenty for now...

Love to you all!
Wookies Girl

Recovery in Flagstaff

I attended another Alanon recovery retreat this past weekend. This one was much smaller than the normal ones I attend. Only eleven woman including me.

I have been reluctant to attend the last several weekends... But I go anyway. I go because I know I will hear and learn what I need to.

We started Friday night discussing the 12 steps. For those that don't know what those are... Here is a link:
Al-Anon 12 steps

We were discussing the principles associated with each step, as well as the opposite of that principle. Here they are in order:

Step 1) Honesty............................Dis-honesty
Step 2) Hope.................................Despair
Step 3) Action...............................Lethargy
Step 4) Courage........................... Fear
Step 5) Integrity...........................Deceit
Step 6) Acceptance.......................Denial
Step 7) Humility...........................Pride
Step 8) Brotherly love..................Hate
Step 9) Self discipline................... Self-will run riot
Step 10) Perseverance..................Procrastination
Step 11) Spiritual awareness........Being in a cocoon
Step 12) Service............................Hoarding


I realized when the group leader was reading them out loud that at one time or another since this past June I could identify with every single one of those negative/opposites.
This year I seem to have fallen off the beam.. This means basically I am not in line with my recovery. I no longer feel connected to my higher power, who I choose to call God. I no longer want to stay in my seat that has been so freely given to me.
Don't get me wrong. I don't think I am cured by any stretch of the imagination. I simply have no desire to work on what's wrong.
Some big changes happened this year in my marriage. Basically, without all the gory details ... it fell apart. Since then a whole host of other things have occurred.
My mother came to stay for 4 months. That was incredibly hard. She is very very sick with Parkinson's Disease combined with dementia and confusion. She is difficult to care for and she is very verbally abusive at times. Shortly after she left and literally 3 days before Christmas we lost our cousin, Jacob, to a drug overdose. This was horrible. I cannot even begin to describe this loss to you. I miss him terribly.
I have had some amazing people enter my life that I became very close to and then I have watched those same people drift out of my life as if we were never friends. All the while my husband and I fight and find resolution and fight again and then find resolution... 2009 to 2010 has simply sucked...

What is my basic malfunction? Why can I not get back on the beam? Why do I fight to stay in what seems like turmoil?
Simply put: I am restless, irritable and discontent.

My writer friends would say that from this mood comes great writing! Yes? Would you agree?

That is the one positive thing that I have done since August of last year. I started writing. Poetry has poured out of me... at first only spurred on by the things happening around me, then growing and changing into me finding my muse, which takes on many forms at times. I learned how to channel my muse... How to take one line someone says or a song and build a poem from it. How to write a poem for someone else who is struggling with something in their life. I pull the emotions from deep inside me... Love, hate, lust, anger, desperation.. You name it and it all comes...
Is this why I am walking through this? So I can learn how to write? That can't be it... But who knows? I do believe that only God knows. He see's the purpose in all of this struggle.

What I learned AGAIN this weekend is that I have problems.. LOL Really???
No seriously.. I have trouble with Acceptance and I have trouble with Expectations... They are like a nasty rash that just wont go away!

Acceptance is difficult for me when there has been change... and no I am not talking about the wall color or the furniture... I am talking about CHANGE.. like someone in my life suddenly starts behaving differently, or someone in my life is no longer in my life... Big fat changes that no matter how many bites I take, I can't seem to get the whole thing down my throat.
Most people have trouble with Change.. Its a normal thing.
But let me explain. I am an "Alanon" I DO NOT LIKE IT AT ALL! I DO NOT DEAL WITH IT WELL AT ALL!
So my reaction is not typical... I fight, I kick, I scream, I cry, I make YOU miserable until YOU do what I want you to do.

See?? This is a problem.

Then the thing I am struggling with becomes this elephant in the room.. Or the Gorilla or the Zombie or the Dragon.. Whatever you want to call it. It's a PROBLEM, a big problem. Eventually it becomes so big that it takes over everything and soon it becomes all I can see.

I was sitting there at the retreat thinking.. Ya know... A ten minute warning would REALLY be good. If I could just get a ten minute warning that major change is about to occur I might be able to handle it better. In that moment that idea sounded completely logical to me.
THEN...
I laughed at myself and said my good idea out-loud to the group. See I HAD to say that stuff out loud.
WHY?
Well, because in my magic mind, that crap sounded completely rational and reasonable.. and I have learned enough to know that my mind lies to me. I believe the stories I tell myself and if I just say them out loud to someone else in recovery... a miracle happens.
I get it up and out... and I get to hear how incredibly insane I am. BONUS!

The very idea that I had in my head... that I should have a ten minute warning before change occurs is INSANE!

What my recovery has taught me is that there is a better way.

In regards to the Elephant in the room, aka the problem...If it's a really BIG ELEPHANT or GORILLA, the shit REALLY begins to pile up. Then you end up with a huge mess on your hands.
The best thing to do is name it... Shine the light on it. Once you have named the problem and accept it as part of life, then and only then, can you move forward. You have to state your truth and then own your truth. Get it up and out! For God Sake.. stop tip toeing around the elephant and the shit piles.
This is called Acceptance.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When someone else is my problem... my problem is me. My two most hated and favorite sayings in recovery.
They make the most sense to me.

I feel like I may be ready to step out of the pile of shit I have been sitting in. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
We'll see what happens. With God, all things are possible and I know.. I truly know, that He is carrying me.
He won't drop me on my ass.

Love to you all!
WookiesGirl

Related Recovery Post

Here is a post from my other blog. I feel it's recovery related so I wanted to add the link here for you all to see

Songs and Music